Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that gives you the bad news without sugar-coating it.
You might already know it, but Friday was a scummy, scummy day. We received three Scum Alerts!! Scum Alerts!! and all of them did great damage to our faith in humanity and sense of taste.
The first piece of bad news came from Jessie, who said some fungus-for-brains broke into her truck in the outlet mall parking lot along Stephen’s Way in Silverthorne. The wisenheimer then proceeded to steal her Panasonic stereo and numerous compact discs. Jessie’s hoping someone saw this nose-picker breaking into her black Mazda, and if anyone knows anything about it, they should call her at (970) 418-4616. She’s offering a $100 reward for info that leads to an arrest. We’ll offer to return all the karma this punk flushed down the drain.
Our next caller Friday morning was as appalled as we were: She works at Copper and, leaving work about 5:50 p.m. Thursday, saw a young man hitching a ride in the direction of Leadville. She watched the guy light up a smoke and then proceed to throw the empty pack on the side of the road. She thought maybe it was an accident, but then he pulled something else out of his pocket and pitched it, too. She did what we wish more people would have the huevos to do: She yelled at him. He simply held out his hands and shrugged. Now, we’re guessing this guy also threw his butt in the grass when he was done, too, which is really smart considering the fire danger. We hope Mr. Fancy-pants with his black beret and black moustache never got that ride home so he could have a long walk to reconsider what he did. And we hope he got blisters.
This next tale of treachery takes the cake, though; it gives a whole new definition to the practice of “squatting.” For those that don’t know, there’s a trail in Frisco, behind the post office, that runs west following Main Street, down to all the neighborhoods back there. For those who don’t know, someone has been leaving some serious “piles” back there, and it ain’t no dog, our caller tells us – not unless this dog has learned how to use toilet paper. The reporting party discovered it last fall and notified the Frisco po-po about the poo-poo, but understood they probably have more important things to do than chase down some criminal crapper. And now that the snow’s gone, the mystery movements are at it again. Our caller is hoping the person responsible sees this column (he figured it’s a squatter camping in the woods who’s too lazy to walk over to the bathroom at town hall) and cuts it out, because it’s gross.
We hope all this scumminess hasn’t tarnished your weekend.
Here’s a new Game! you’re welcome to play with us. We’ve been reading over the following news item for a couple days trying to come up with a good joke. While we’ve thought of several OK punchlines, we can’t seem to find the killer one-liner. So, we thought, why not see what you folks think – it’s kind of like the “You write the caption game,” just without a picture.
Anyway, the news is that John Willden of Hesperus, an ostrich ranch farmer, was sentenced to five years in prison Wednesday – not for growing ostriches, but the 270 pot plants drug task force agents found in his basement.
Flightless birds and marijuana, there’s got to be something there. Let us know your thoughts at summitup@
summitdaily.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just leave your recipe for ostrich brownies on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
Today’s password is “butter batter.” It’s Saturday, and we’re out spreading good vibes …
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