Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column as satisfying as kicking that lump of frozen slush off the fender of your car.
We ask you, is there anything that feels quite as good? It’s up there in the canon of healthy sneezes, a good finger-pick in the ear, donning a brand new sock, a perfectly timed power nap and the sound of the ocean.
Why, just the other day, after kicking off a rather large, gruesome lump from behind our rear, driver’s-side tire, we found ourselves wandering around the parking lot of one of our nearby grocery stores just looking for other bumper-affixed icebergs to break free. Call it evil – along the lines of stealing somebody else’s bubble wrap and popping all the little packaging protection – but we couldn’t help it. It felt so good.
You might be tempted to put joint-popping felicitations in this category, but you knuckle-cracking freaks are on an entirely different plane – you have to question the satisfaction of acts that have a tendency to gross other people out. Well, we do.
But back to the slush bombs: Summit Up Land might not have aurora borealis effects to enjoy, we might not have Hawaii-sized rainbows and we might not get to see natural wonders of the world like Niagara Falls, but at least we have ice accumulation on our cars.
Can you hear it? It’s so quiet.
Elections are over, so it must be safe to go outside. Two last stabs at this whole electoral rigmarole:
? Is it scaring anyone else that these elections can’t be decided in a night? Blame it on the math education in our public schools affecting judges’ counting skills, or come up with any conspiracy theory you want about this side or that rigging the race, confusing voters or generally fouling up the ballots, but there was a time we used to know the results of an election the same night we voted. Call us old fashioned, we guess.
? And furthermore, you’d think from looking at all the coverage of this stuff (even right here in this rag) that there were only two political parties out there. Our friend Kenny called, and we’re inclined to agree with him, complaining that there were all these other candidates out there whom nobody had a chance to hear about. Granted, not a lot of those folks were getting on your TV screen, or even visiting your neighborhood, but that’s also because they weren’t spending gazillions of dollars they picked up at fundraising dinners put on by the president and such. And you have to wonder about fairness, as Kenny pointed out, for example, when the Boston media blacklists a political party’s candidates from coverage – despite the party getting a petition-initiated referendum on the ballot.
As Homer Simpson astutely said once, “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.”
An upset woman called us the other day complaining about a visit to a fast food restaurant in which she listened to the highly educated, dashingly handsome man in the suave uniform yell at the three customers in front of her because they didn’t have exact change and he couldn’t make any, and when she pointed this out to him, he refused to serve her. So, she asked for his name (he wasn’t wearing his name tag, which, all by itself, is probably grounds for a week of nugget-and-fryer duty), but he refused to give his name, and so our caller left, vowing never to return.
“That’s one less of a billion served,” she told us.
But instead of making our usual pusillanimous quips about this establishment, we’ll just recommend you all run over to Narayan the next time you’re hungry. We went to this Nepalese restaurant in Avon the other night because, well, you just can’t get enough variety in Summit Up Land, as far as we’re concerned. They opened three months ago, right in between the Christy Lodge and Beaver Liquors. Check it out. Tell them Salvador Dali’s llama sent you.
Krista of Wildernest called to put out an APB – also known in this department as an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! – for a man who stopped to help her after she and her two daughters were struck by a car driven by a man whose front brakes locked up. The man took out the whole left side of the car. No one was injured.
But the person we are looking for gave Krista his jacket, let her two girls – ages 4 and 7 – sit in his car to stay warm. He even offered to help Krista, who is in the process of moving, finish that work.
Wow! That’s an angel if we ever heard of one! So hats off – and halos on – to the anonymous man who took the time to help a damsel in distress!
Today’s theme is “blankety-blank-blank-blank in your pie-hole.” Fill it all in as you may. Let us know how it goes at
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just tell us to eat cake on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out taking the mudflaps off dump trucks, just to feed our habit …
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