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Summit Up


Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column giving you play-by-play of the Super Bowl.We were late to the game, so this play-by-play will be from midway through the first quarter to … whenever we run out of space. For now, it’s 3-0 New York and we just went to a commercial break.A show on Fox is promoting a cyborg who’s cute. We don’t know if that one’s going to be a winner, if the whole Terminator series is really cut for primetime, but who knows. Maybe folks are in the mood for some cute, cuddly armageddon after a tough day at work.Ooh, the Giants are kicking off and a Patriot is “getting to the edge” according to the announcer. Now, another commercial.This time, three men are drinking wine in the kitchen and watching a 4-inch screen that came in the box of wine. We are highly skeptical of this possibility. Normally, aren’t men in football commercials drinking beer and watching a bigger-than-god screen? Like it or not, it seems a little more realistic. Next commercial: A muscular man is crediting his underwear for everything, and promises to a throng of folks that if you wear this type of underwear, you can take over the world.Phew. Back to the game. More large men standing in a huddle. The Patriots’ running back couldn’t make the catch, but he got the ball the next play and almost got a first down. The guys who tackled the runner are hitting each other in the chest, while another fixes their sock. Teamwork, truly.You ever notice that the coaches, when they get on camera, always look like they just did something wrong? They’re pacing back and forth and yelling at whoever is nearby, and covering up their mouths.They’re lining up again. The Patriots’ quarterback just threw a ball into nowhere. Isn’t he supposed to be the Second Coming? The second coming of Cade McKnown, maybe … just kidding Pats fans. We just know how easy it is to get your goat, and we couldn’t resist.Next play: This time the Second Coming completes the pass, while his receiver gets buried under a ton of Giants. Now the announcer is analyzing the leg of the Second Coming, who apparently sprained his ankle while dating a supermodel, or something of the sort. Should we feel sorry? It’s so unclear …Back to the game. The running back just got tripped up by someone’s fingers, which makes us wonder about the strength of our own fingertips. We’re pretty sure we’d rather slam our finger with a hammer than lay it flat on the ground under a lineman. Yep. We’re pretty sure …The first quarter’s almost over. The Second Coming just threw another incomplete pass. Another incomplete pass, but this time a pass interference call. The combined time off the clock? Eight seconds. In Super Bowl terms, this is $1 cajillion … roughly.The clock is running out, and the large men are pacing down the field. Commercial break No. 3: A squirrel screams for help with all the other common roadkill and watches a car swerve around it. The squirrel, as well as the turtle, survive.Dorito’s, apparently, is getting sentimental. The chip company is featuring a folk singer sitting in an urban area – she has a beautiful voice – and tells us this is a message for our heart. Then it plugs iTunes, and we’re not sure what this commercial was really selling after all. We never did see a potato chip.Wait. Did we just see a commercial for the National Cricket Championships? Really? Perhaps the commercial time is cheaper than we had previously assumed.Back to the game. Touchdown. The guy who scored is muted, but he’s adamantly proclaiming something to the camera. This, of course, puts the Patriots ahead 7-3, and most importantly, three seconds after the last one, we get to go back to a commercial break.A movie tease: Angelina Jolie is dodging bullets Matrix-style, while Morgan Freeman describes assassins like he did with those penguins a while ago. Derek Jeter drinks Gatorade. Who knew?Now, more online commercials, this one a commercial for a commercial that is online. It features Danica Patrick stripping out of a leather outfit. We wonder about the logic in creating a commercial to promote a commercial. But then again, who needs logic on a Sunday evening with football on the tube?Anyway, at this point, we’re … it’s going to commercial again … realizing we’re describing more commercials than the game, and our space has to be running out. We hope you had a happy Super Bowl Sunday.***It’s Monday, and we’re hoping to forget about those giant pigeons we just saw on a Super Bowl commercial. They were lifting up cars. They didn’t show the rest of the ugly possibilities. E-mail us at

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