Summit Up 2-1-11: Featuring a million-and-one uses for fenderbergs!
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s trying to think of some ways to use all these fenderbergs lying about. It happens every time a bunch of snow and cold is followed by a bit of a warm snap, as happened over the weekend: All those hunks of ice lodged in our wheel wells start liberating themselves – like so many crazed Frenchmen storming the Bastille or, for a more modern comparison, like mad Egyptians Facebooking left and right even though their government says not to.
Anyway, the point is these fenderbergs are a bit of a nuisance. As we’ve pointed out in the past, you risk breaking your toes if you try to kick them off (Remember: Only kick at fenderbergs whilst wearing alpine ski boots!) And you don’t want to run them over cuz you never know what’s inside of them. One fenderberg captured, euthanized and dissected last year in Heeney was found to contain two dozen really sharp carpet tacks, a pair of nunchaku and an unexploded bit of ordnance from the Six-Day War. Who knew? And you certainly don’t want to be running over that kind of thing with your nice new snow tires.
So there’s one good use of a fenderberg: science experiment! We encourage all local science teachers to start gathering these critters up and start dissecting them – like they do owl pellets. There’s bound to be some interesting discoveries, and you can give them an interesting, brainy-sounding Latin name like Fenderbergus summitcountyus.
Here are some other ideas:
>Door stop. These beauties will hold any door open and look ugly doing it. Although, granted, there’s somewhat limited utility at this time of year, and by the time they might become useful, they’ve up and melted! Damn you, fenderberg doorstop!
>Novelty pendulum weight (known as a “bob,” BTW) Why use that boring old brass thingy when the grandfather longcase in the foyer can sport a truly unusual bob?
>Novelty ransom-note delivery device. Just toss it through a window and there it is. Be sure to use waterproof paper for your note. (Disclaimer: Kidnapping of any kind is, of course, a serious crime. We’re only talking about mock kidnappings here. And fake windows.)
>Redneck snowsculpting medium. Sure, there’s plenty of clean snow around to use, but if you’re the kind of person who has a transmission in the bathtub, you’re going to want to design your enormous Richard Petty bust out of fenderberg material for max verisimilitude.
>Redneck ice cube material. Just chop that fenderberg up into cube-sized hunks and voila! Novelty ice cubes. And since rednecks only drink Dixie beer and PBR and such, you can just say you’re using these ice cubes without actually having to.
>Low-budget Super Bowl centerpiece. Who can afford to hire people to do ice carvings for their Super Sunday spread in this economy? Just plop one of these suckas down amid the bean dip and Buffalo wings and watch as your centerpiece becomes the main topic of conversation! (*Note: this may also be filed in the redneck category.)
>Game balls for snow football. Why subject your nice Wilson to the rigors of snow and cold when you can just pry a fenderberg off your F-150 and go to it?! If one breaks, grab another – they’re free!
>Iron Man Bloody Mary seasoning. Fenderbergs are full of magnesium chloride, a type of salt, and other mysterious flavorings the rugged Summit County dude will enjoy in his Saturday morning quaff. Now this’ll put hair on your chest and your back!
There you have it folks – now go forth and gather fenderbergs! We out.
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