Summit Up 2-13-10 |

Summit Up 2-13-10

by Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that is tired and shagged out following our traditional ‘Lympics Opening Ceremony Hootenanny Extravaganza last night, which involved a lot of our special Red Bull-Everclear Pudding Shots. Feeling lazy and slightly hallucinogenic, we rummaged around in our February, 1998 archives for some chestnuts from ‘Lympics past. Check this out:

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that isn’t afraid to say that bobsled is a silly sport. For one thing, the average bobsled guy/gal gets about 10 seconds of aerobic exercise before he/she jumps into the bobsled thingy for the ride to the bottom. We suppose holding on expends some energy, but, for the most part, bobsledding is roughly the equivalent of riding a rollercoaster. Will that be an Olympic sport some day, we wonder?

Speaking of silly Olympic sports, we always get a kick out of the biathlon event, which, you may recall, combines the disciplines of crosscountry skiing and target shooting. We’re guessing this came out of some wartime thing where this was important, but the juxtaposition of these two things still seems odd.

So odd, in fact, that we have to wonder what’s next … or what the biathlon could have been …

• The Kurt Vonnegut/Letterman Biathlon: A winter Olympic sport that has competitors being pulled in a bathtub by three aardvarks across an icy lake. Upon reaching a precipice 200 yards from the start, competitors attempt to throw as many watermelons as possible off the cliff before the conclusion of the Abba song “Fernando.”

• The Clinton/Evander Biathlon: A winter Olympic sport where competitors have to run through an icy gauntlet of subpoenas, affidavits, news reporters and ex-Whitehouse interns before landing in a pool of Guatamalan caimans. First one to have all his earlobes chewed off wins.

• The Summit Up/Treasure Island Biathlon: In this kooky event, you have to write an 800-word column about absolutely nothing that makes the judges laugh at least five times. You then have to engage in a snowball fight taking place between two Spanish galleon replicas floating on an icy lake.

• The Windows 98/Macintosh Biathlon: The rules for this one have yet to be clearly established, but they involve a lot of bombing, crashing and hand-wringing accompanied by a snowboard obstacle course.

• The Summit County School Board/Spiceworld Biathlon: Perhaps our favorite, this involves three competitors strapped together playing a game of musical chairs (on an icy lake) while they sing songs about makeup and boyfriends. They then try to extricate themselves, whereupon there’s a short running race as they flee screaming into the woods. The first one to reach the scapegoat totem wins free tuition at the charter school of their choice.

If you get all those ancient allusions, we give you props. We wrote it 12 years ago, and we’re not exactly sure what it all means.

Anyway, get out and ski and then watch it on TV and think about what that means. Write an essay about it. Chill. Enjoy.

We out.

Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

As a Summit Daily News reader, you make our work possible.

Now more than ever, your financial support is critical to help us keep our communities informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having on our residents and businesses. Every contribution, no matter the size, will make a difference.

Your donation will be used exclusively to support quality, local journalism.

For tax deductible donations, click here.

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User