Summit Up 2-20-11: Werewolves and doctors galore
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that is tentatively putting down our wooden stakes and putting away our silver bullets as it appears the wave of vamp-o-mania of the last few years is finally beginning to ebb. It was pretty terrifying out there for a while. We have to admit, we were getting a bit tired of being afraid to leave the house even to return our library books for fear we would be accosted by a devilishly handsome, 200-year-old teenager wanting to take a swig from our jugulars, or worse a 15-year-old teenager hell bent on discussing the finer points of the aforementioned creature’s devilishly handsome teeth in excruciating detail until we find ourselves wishing we’d met the former instead.
We had one friend who was unfortunate enough to find himself in the clutches of a gaggle of young girls at the height of the vampire-craze after a few too many bloody-Mary’s. As the oft-retold story goes, his captors demanded he pick a side – meaning of course vampire or werewolf. Under duress, he joined Team Jacob, evidently a poor decision because he awoke the following morning to find himself in a jail cell with a headache and a sign around his neck that read “I’m a werewolf, lock me up.” We have to admit, we find it pretty entertaining that local law enforcement actually did.
The one unfortunate thing about the apparent passing of all this fictional-beast madness is that all our research on how to protect ourselves from such monsters is on its way to becoming completely irrelevant. And we just recently stumbled upon a gem of an online article on the topic. It reads in part:
“The myth that werewolves will die from a silver bullet to the heart is no myth at all. It’s entirely true. If you’re a good shot and have bullets made of pure silver on hand, then you should have the easiest time of anyone killing a werewolf.”
Thank goodness. But what if we should be so unfortunate as to stumble upon a werewolf and we’ve left all our silver bullets in our other purse? Fear not, the author says, all hope is not lost:
“Let’s say you find yourself in a situation where you want to kill a werewolf, but you don’t have any silver bullets on you. Don’t be embarrassed – it’s happened to us all. In this instance, a regular gun with regular bullets may be able to do the trick.”
The author goes on to note that:
“Snipers should have a particularly good chance against werewolves. If you can get the drop on one, aim for the head. If you can sever the connection between the spinal cord and the brain, you’re going to have an easy time. If not, just make sure that you’re in a position that the werewolf cannot reach. Do NOT climb a tree and snipe from there. Werewolves are excellent tree climbers.”
Words to live by right there.
On a different note, we can’t help feeling like health care professionals just seem to get younger every year.
We stopped in to see our new primary care physician and we couldn’t believe how young he looked. After carefully examining our X-rays he informed us that we were likely suffering from “some totally gross stuff” that was apparently “all mushed around in our guts,” and liable to “just, like, explode!” And then he referred us to a specialist in internal medicine and we’re sorry, but she just didn’t even look old enough to have even finished medical school. We couldn’t help but notice that she drooled a bit on her clipboard more than once before gravely informing us that our “goog aaa blah-ma fa” looked like a “cup!” and we’d probably need “ma-ma-ma-ma.” Oddly enough, her handwriting was almost totally legible.
But then what do we know? They’re the ones with the stethoscopes.
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