Summit Up 2-24-11: Forever lazy in our fluffy body sock
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s just kickin’ back in our Pajama Jeans on this lovely morning, allowing our capacious belly to muffin-top comfortably in front of us and …
What? You haven’t heard of Pajama Jeans? Well, we hadn’t either until we happened to do something we very rarely do: We turned on the television set in the morning, and a whole wide world of weird stuff presented itself to us! First up was the aforementioned pajama jeans which, as the name implies, are basically pajama pants made to look like jeans and, presumably, targeted at A) fat people who don’t like regular jeans and who don’t care what they look like out in public and B) well, actually “A” pretty much covers it.
We’re not sure what to say about this phenomenon, other than to say that, to our knowledge, we have yet to see evidence of this sartorial breakthrough on the lean streets of Summit County. But we do wonder if it might give rise to some other garments:
>Sweatpants Wedding Dress: Yes, now you can skip the uncomfortable chiffon, cumbersome train and pesky veil of a traditional wedding dress and just go in sweats! The Sweatpants Wedding Dress is a complete sweat suit that’s brilliant white and virtually indistinguishable from the real thing (assuming 97 percent of the people around you are drunk as skunks). And don’t even bother changing when you get to that honeymoon suite – the Sweatpants Wedding Dress doubles as a teddy with just a quick tug of the Velcro “Come Hither” cord. Two for $39.99, includes bonus Baseball Hat Tiara.
>Pajama Pantsuit for Gents: Styled to look like a full-on business suit and tie, the Pajama Pantsuit for Gents is a one-piece, zip-up garment made of the highest-quality polyester fleece that even the most discriminating boss will see as the real thing (provided, again, that s/he is very drunk). Available in Boardroom Gray and Hedge Fund Sharkskin, two for $69.99 includes bonus pair of Italian wingtips that are actually slippers!
>Pajama Pajamas: PJs are great, but sometimes they’re not comfortable enough for the real sofa sloth. Pajama Pajamas are more than 43 percent more comfortable than traditional pajamas. Made of exclusive Puppy Ferr(TM) Rayon and lined with the belly fur of juvenile hamsters, Pajama Pajamas have been proven to be even more effective than a huge sinsemilla bong hit at keeping folks from venturing out into the world and pursuing their lifelong dreams.
While you’re watching daytime TV, don’t forget to order the delightfully ridiculous Forever Lazy, which is in the Snuggie family of garments but with a couple of crucial differences: the Forever Lazy wearable blanket has a hoodie and a trap door kinda deal for bathroom breaks. Also, this comes with matching footies. There’s really no need to ever get dressed, per se, again! As you can see in the photo above, it’s perfectly acceptable (according to daytime TV standards) to venture outside in your Forever Lazy, socialize and even attend the occasional wedding or bar mitzvah so attired.
Or is it? Really, we believe this trend toward slovenly-wear is the beginning of the end for America. Before long, we’ll all just be lined up in our Snuggies and Forever Lazy sacks, fitted with catheters and leg bags and standing around in the unemployment line as Chinese guys in Ermenegildo Zegna suits clean our clocks on the global ‘conomy thingy.
Oh well. At least we’ll be wallowing in extreme comfort as our ship slides under the waves, eh? Now if only we could figure out a way to get that chicken pot pie from the microwave without actually having to get up from the couch (we keep tripping on our loungy blanket-bag thing).
Of course, we know in Summit County everyone’s out hanging off cliffs and hucking cornices and stuff, but we are concerned about the rest of the country.
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