Summit Up 2-7-2011: Where we are contemplating 4,000 lb. ping pong tables
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column that fears Summit County’s eventual take-over by Skittle-thugs and lizard skins. Yep, we’ve heard reports that these strange creatures are sneaking in from the south – they seem to be creeping in over Hoosier Pass – even sometimes bypassing the Silverthorne and Frisco filters – and congregating in Breckenridge.
These park rat subspecies have been spreading farther and farther into the county from their home territory of the Breckenridge terrain park. They’re often seen on the Summit Stage because they can’t afford cars – and we’re not quite sure how they stay warm at the stops in their Tall T’s and skinny pants.
Fortunately for long-time Summit County locals, this new invasive species sticks close to its on-mountain terrain park territory, leaving powder stashes and steep terrain for another creature well-supported by the county’s high alpine environment – the powder hound.
Other than the occasional “duding” and the high-speed flyby, they are mostly harmless. We’re not quite sure where the extremely large, baggy clothing comes from, unless it’s imported from Men’s Big and Tall. We’re not sure why they wear their pants so low, as it does seem to make it difficult to walk… they’re often seen holding up their drawers, and remarkably, suspenders are often hanging OFF the pants, adding extra weight and pulling them further down.
We believe these species have poor eyesight because they tend to dress in extremely bright colors, for unknown reasons. Presumably, it has something to do with mating. Fortunately for us, they don’t seem to be old or wise enough to land high-level positions within the Summit County government, so for now, our old-fashioned ski culture is safe.
However, we suggest you warn your children about the dangers of Skittle-thugs and lizard skins, as they’ve been known to attract converts to their species – particularly among impressionable youths.
On a completely different note, we recently encountered a unique concept – the 4,000-pound concrete ping-pong table.
As we understand it, a concrete worker in southwestern Colorado had too much time on his hands and so handmade the wooden forms for his one-of-a kind creation. Lauded as a “functional work of art,” we are pretty sure these things are designed to sit in public parks and provide entertainment for the passerby – though we’re not sure if passersby are supposed to carry their own equipment. Excuse me while I pull out my ping-pong balls and paddles so we can get a game going. Oh wait, dang it! I left them at home again with the table in my basement. Nuts!
If you do choose to bring the gorgeous conversation starter into your home, make sure you reinforce the floor before hauling it in. And ensure you’ve booked a burly enough forklift to lower it from the flatbed – we picture the table tipping the forklift instead.
They’re moderately priced, but at $3 a mile, shipping would be just under $1,000 to get it to Summit County.
For those interested in demoing the product, head to the park in Ridgway. Unfortunately, that may be the only way to get in touch with the maker, who claims he’s from “the last century” and prefers pencil and paper over e-mail. He does, however, have a P.O. Box to process orders.
We suggested using the “next gen” technology to promote the product, but according to him, the best marketing is word of mouth – and we agree – but we’re pretty sure we’re the only ones taking it out of the back bowls of Telluride and bringing it to Summit County, where the word could, in fact, die.
To be fair, we want to put a call out there to our public works folk to consider bringing a few of these in – if there’s room in the budget again, of course.
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