Good morning, and welcome to Summit Up, the worlds only daily column that is throwing a little yellow handkerchief on the ground to protest Americas Game.First off, the baseball playoffs havent even begun, but were already subjected to the endless (and mindless) cliches of the gridiron: These teams really dont like each other; Football is a game of inches; Turnovers will kill you; Check out that cheerleaders pom-poms!Author Bern Williams once said: Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society violence punctuated by committee meetings.We like to point out to our football-loving friends how inane the game is and how many aspects of it dont make sense. To wit: Why is there a game clock, when most of the time it is ticking is between plays? Why not just establish a set number of plays per game and leave it at that, rather than artificially manipulating the clock by going out of bounds or staying in bounds, as is needed? Why do they bring out the chains to measure with extreme precision whether a first down has been made, when the initial placement of the chains at the start of the set of downs was established just by eyeballing the location of the ball from the sidelines? Heck, even the placement of the ball after a player is tackled is completely a guess by the refs, meaning the so-called precise measurements are based entirely on estimates. Why do coaches insist on running the ball up the middle on third-and-eight? Why is it that if a defensive player accidentally bumps a receiver while the ball is in the air, it can result in, like, a 75-yard pass-interference penalty, but if an offensive player mauls the defender to prevent an interception, its only a five-yard penalty? Why are there offensive linemen enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Why do players insist on doing dances and other acts of what most would consider to be poor sportsmanship when they score? Or worse, when they tackle a ball carrier for a two-yard gain? Is that really cause for celebration? (Basketball players do this kind of ridiculous showboating, too. Weve always thought that the reason hockey and baseball players dont do it is because the games are self-regulating. If you prance too much after scoring a goal or take your time circling the bases on a homer, the next time out, youll find your face smeared into the glass by the opposing teams goon or a fastball headed toward your chin).***The most redeeming thing about football, as we see it, are the commercials, especially during the Super Bowl. We do like the one airing on the radio these days in which NFL coach Brian Billick offers this gem: In a bacon-and-egg breakfast, the chicken is involved but the pig is committed. Be that pig! (Never mind that it was ripped off from former U of Miami coach Howard Schnellenberger, who apparently stole it from former Philadelphia Flyers hockey coach Fred Shero). ***And speaking of ads, we couldnt help but notice the GU initials worn by all of the players and painted on the field in honor of former players union chief Gene Upshaw, who died recently. We called the energy-gel company Gu, and an administrator there said they have been smiling all weekend at the free publicity.Its Wednesday, and were marching off 15 yards and providing hand signals with our remarks. Tell us your anti-football rants at email@example.com
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