December 19, 2008
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s glad Christmas exists.
Why? It’s not the glutton in us, though we need little encouragement to eat our faces off.
It’s not the extra free time.
It’s that reflective moment ” that a-ha realization ” when we first wake up on Christmas morning and think: “Thank God our grandma is out of the state, so she can’t try to arrange our marriage!”
Readers are probably puzzled. They’re thinking: “How bad could a granny be?”
Well, she’s done it all ” invited eligible bachelors in a sneak attack to Thanksgiving dinner, forced us to feign a stomach ache instead of meeting a sap in a clip-on tie … she’s even sent pictures of men to us in the mail!
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We love her, but … the holidays for her are the times when she plots her next move in her ever-present desire to produce some great-grandchildren.
Frankly, this scares us on so many levels.
Christmas is a time for families coming together, but we often find ourselves hiding in the bathroom when she’s around, waiting for the storm of prying questions to pass.
So, when we came across a list of tongue-in-cheek questions sent to the Summit Daily News by anti-etiquette guru Lady Arabella Snark ” we had to laugh. It made us feel better about our own granny, who gets a little too nosy.
1. Don’t you think you’d look prettier if you lost weight?
” Yes, but then it would be more difficult to crush you.
2. Your pumpkin pie isn’t as good as Mom’s. What’s that weird taste?
3. Why aren’t you married?
” I guess I’m just afraid of settling, the way Uncle Milton did with you.
4. When are you going to have a baby?
” Didn’t mom ever tell you I was born a boy?
5. Are you still paying back those student loans?
” Actually, the government just writes them off if you drop out of college to become a junkie.
6. Don’t you want to pull my finger?
” Not unless I can take it all the way off.
7. Why are you still at that dead-end job?
” I guess they haven’t noticed the embezzling yet.
8. Why do you allow your son Timmy to watch so much television? Don’t you know how bad that is for a child?
” It’s the only thing that keeps him away from the knives.
9. Why do you wear so much makeup?
” It’s a professional requirement for my job as a harlot.
10. Since you’re only twenty-three, I can get you a great deal on some life insurance! What do you say?
” I don’t think I’d qualify. I’m planning to commit suicide after dessert.
More information about Lady Snark, including an insult video and “Cruelty Quiz,” can be found at her website: http://www.ladysnark.com.
We’re out, snarking around town ” single and loving it. Sorry, grandma.