Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that wouldn’t give up two cents to a masked robber armed with a Star Trek prop.
But as you’re no doubt aware by now, a couple Colorado Springs convenience stores fell victim to a perpetrator armed with what’s known as a “bat’leth,” used by the Klingon warriors ” some particularly ugly members of the Star Trek family.
As devout weapon aficionados, we quickly turned to Google to find just where someone might find one of these “swords of honor.”
Wikipedia says the bat’leth was created in the 9th century by some guy who dropped a lock of his hair into a volcano, retrieved it and dunked it into a lake before bending it into a bow-shape.
E-Bay’s got one on sale for $29.95. It’s two feet long and comes from the great state of Texas.
But this finely crafted item won’t be making its way into our arsenal any time soon. It certainly wouldn’t fit in any sort of conventional sword sheath and looks awkward to handle.
We could see ourselves gouging out a light bulb or impaling the couch during a practice session.
What’s most alarming about the Colorado Springs incidents is the blatant disregard for the law by what’s been known for decades as a cynical, socially isolated, confrontation-fearful and often lazy, passive group of people.
Trekkies, no offense. We’ve cleared this assumption with a handful of credible, unnamed sources. And we know what you’re up to.
To the rest of planet Earth: The bat’leth incident could be the proverbial first horse of the apocalypse ” who happens to carry bow-shaped instrument.
This could well be the first strike from a group that has been plotting interstellar combat since the early days of color television. We’d sure like to know just what sort of meetings these enigmatic people have at their annual Star Trek conventions.
Are they practicing alchemy, analyzing our weaknesses and perhaps even organizing an underground army?
And how do we defend ourselves against some of these strange, hellish weapons?
We wonder whether our armed forces can shield against an isomagnetic disintegrator or a phaser cannon ” yeah, these people know how to use futuristic cannons. That’s unsettling.
We now interrupt this fear-mongering speculation to bring you a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! from an online reader:
“Lately I have been out on our local trails to get some fresh air and exercise. Much to my dismay, there is a significant amount of dog waste along all of these “backcountry” trails.
It’s not just limited to the trails, but also in town, and at the dog park. We are fortunate enough to have a beautiful trail system and dog park to use in this town. People are abusing the privilege of dogs being allowed on the trails by not picking up after their pet(s).
If you are hiking, skiing, etc. bring a bag and pack out your pets waste or do not bring your pet with you. If you are in the dog park, bags are provided by the Town to clean up after your dog.
Let’s all pitch in to keep our trails, streets, and park clean by picking up after our dog or telling someone to pick up after theirs.”
We couldn’t agree more. Even if it’s frozen, it’s still disgusting.
Now regarding these Trekkies and their doomed victims, we recommend our millions of Summit Up readers take heed.
We’re not recommending some sort of shocking and awing pre-emptive attack so much as a building up of defenses.
We’ll need people to sit down and watch the zillions of Star Trek episodes from 1966 to present, read the tedious books and learn the shadowy language of Klingon.
Lurking in your local comic book shop would be a good place to start.
If this thing is as big as we fear, there will be no time to waste.
They’ve already begun with our convenience stores. The next targets could be anything from our natural foods stores to our munitions plants.
It’s Sunday, and we’re out photographing suspicious-looking characters with pointy ears and monotone voices. Send your photos of potential terror-plotting Trekkies to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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