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Summit Up

SUMMIT UPSummit County, CO Colorado

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the worlds only daily column that has no earthly idea whats going to happen in this sentence, except for that at some point it will end in a period.There, now that weve gotten past the de rigeur salutation, we can tell you what you really need to know: There are places in the world where you can play a game to get your lobster dinner. We learned this listening to Mountain Public Radio this morning, which is a radio station that, so far as we can tell, has only one employee: a guy named Murray. Anyway, Murray was talking about going to Bootleggers in Dillon, which has some deal where you can use one of those claw-like things to grab your lobster. Apparently, this is a device similar to what we call Rip-Off Machine: those glass boxes full of cheap plush toys where you put in a buck and maneuver the claw over the toys and try to grab it an drop it in a chute. BUT IT NEVER FRIGGIN WORKS and then your kid is crying for you to put another buck in the Rip-Off Machine and you try to explain that its a rip-off but try explaining that to a 4-year-old whos just had her heart ripped out by some evil vending company who only cares about the buck!Whew. Glad we got that off our chests. And we should add that, according to Murray the hardest-working man in radio biz two people succeeded in getting a lobster the other night at Bootleggers. So theres still hope. Even though the 4-year-old previously mentioned would probably consider a live lobster a poor substitute for a plush Elmo from China. Unless its a boy, in which case he might think its pretty cool.***OK, we have something called a Silly Alert! Silly Alert! from Keith Cockburn in Breck, who writes:The Town of Breckenridge wants to annihilate our trees. Yes, thats right, after all our spraying and fighting to save our trees, the town has now decided it wants a 60 foot clear corridor from your house, so every tree you are now looking at out your window will potentially be under a death sentence. And whats more, we will have to pay $45 for the license to do so. Like me, you probably through the pine beetle was the greatest danger to our trees, but no, move over because here comes the Town of Breckenridge.There you have it. Like the Lorax, Keith speaks for the trees!***Like many of you we get a lot of crap in our e-mail, most of which isnt as funny as the sender intended. But former Breck Ski Resort Minister of Public Relations Jim Felton send us this gem, which we reproduce almost in full its that good!This was an ad placed recently on craigslist, we think in Montana somewhere: NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra $12,900 OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five oclock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly. It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasnt meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, thats what your Prius is for. If thats the kind of car youre looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop. This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didnt even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men dont get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesnt let anything warm his butt), or OnStar (real men dont even know what the hell OnStar is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. Its got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when youre operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if youre being chased by Libyan terrorists, youll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. Its saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. Theres a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but Ill entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean dont walk up and tell me youll give me $5,000 for it. Thats liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Lets just say you wont be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore. Theres only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If its a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but Ill get back to you. And when I do, well talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, Im throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that cant fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on.

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