Summit County, CO Colorado
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up,
the world’s only daily column that is smooth as a baby’s bottom.
Last week, we received a press release for “last-minute Valentine’s Day gift ideas from the Art of Shaving,” and we couldn’t resist buying the whole lot, especially after learning that celebrity fans include Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lopez, Will
Smith, Kelly Ripa and Matthew McConaughey.
Oh, what we would give to know which part(s) Matthew McConaughey targets for the art of shaving!
This New York-based company offers all manner of “shaving products,” including a $75 ingrown-hair gift kit (“Here, honey, I saw this and thought of you!”) and The Art of Shaving Book, which, at $17, promises to bring “art and passion to a daily routine.”
On the company’s website, they even have an “expert advice” section with the following Q-and-A:
“The Art of Shaving razors fit the same blades as razors I get at the drugstore. Why should I spend $200 for this fancy handle?”
“A: The Art of Shaving designs handles that are balanced and weighted for better handling. Drugstore-bought handles are feather-light and poorly balanced. A well-balanced razor made of a nice material will enhance the quality of your shave.”
You know, we can think of very few things in this day and age worth $200 ” Wayne Newton tickets, our current 401(k) portfolio and a shaving session with J-Lo notwithstanding ” and a “well-balanced razor” just ain’t one of them.
In fact, we don’t really go for the whole frou-frou metrosexual boutique nonsense. We don’t need three or four or five ” five! ” blades in our razors; we don’t want fruit-infused preshave essential oils; we can’t abide red-algae seaweed (no kidding) after-shave balms. Seriously!
No, we still have the plastic disposable single-blade razor our pappy gave us when we turned 12, and we clearly remember his words of advice: “Man up.”
Since then, we’ve graduated to a rusty straight edge or, occasionally, a shard of glass from a broken whiskey bottle. Quite frankly, we believe if you’re not dripping a few units of blood each morning, you’re not adequately grooming.
We’re reminded of a cowboy friend of ours who bragged that he didn’t shave; he just hit his whiskers with a hammer and bit ’em off inside his mouth.
We’re told that the latest trend ” even among men ” is shaving, uh, down there. Apparently this fashion advice came straight from the porn industry, in which trimming the hedges is supposed to make the trees look bigger. Or something.
OK, this is going a little too far, people! Manly men do not get Brazilians, nor do they wax their chests ” no matter how important the body-building competition. You don’t see Lance Armstrong shaving his legs!
(What? Oh. OK, disregard that last example.)
By the same token, tundra chicks should let their legs gain a little winter insulation. You heard it here first, Summit County gals: Hirsute is the new black.
All this is to say we’re having a bit of buyer’s remorse since we received our sterling-silver shaving set, despite that it was marked down 50 percent to a mere $1,700. (We are not making this up.)
Sure, the swirled metal is stylish, and both the razor and the silvertip badger-hair shaving brush have heavy handles “to ensure balance and comfort while shaving.”And no, we didn’t blink at paying $22 for a five-ounce tin of hypo-allergenic shaving cream.
We were dismayed solely by the fact that this superior shaving system is intended to be used with ordinary, off-the-shelf MACH3® blades by Gillette®. It just seems so pedestrian. We wouldn’t use those blades on our dog when we clean up his bikini line!
It’s Wednesday, and we’ve got a case of razor burn. Write us with your favorite uses of a styptic pencil at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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