Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that would be the wrong column to trust with time travel.
On our recent trip to Arizona (motto: “We know there ain’t no water but let’s build a bajillion houses anyway”), we were sitting in the airport and got to thinking about time travel. We just couldn’t help it – those interminable spans in the concourse leave us drooling and dreamy, trying to come up with ways we’d never have to do it again. Time travel sounded really good right about then.
But, like we said, that’s when we came to terms with a character quirk we have that would make us horrible candidates for temporal vacations: we like to mess with people’s minds too much.
Think about it: How fun would it be to go back in time, say to the 1700s in colonial America, and throw some headphones on some guy (after taking off the tri-corner hat, of course) and blasting your new Nelly CD in his ears?
You could be a god if you went back to the Stone Age and started handing out toilet paper. You’d go back to the future, and those Easter Island stones would suddenly bear a strange resemblance to your bust.
Then again, if you went to the Middle Ages and tried showing them how matches work, you’d probably end up getting burned at the stake as a witch.
There are so many possibilities, though. Card tricks, tennis shoes, digital watches, laser light pointers, pictures of Madonna – all these would send historical minds spinning.
So, like we said, if any of you out there invent time travel (other than the kind where you go to sleep and wake up four hours later), you probably don’t want to let us in on the secret.
You know how your average person has nightmares about speaking in front of people and uncomfortable situations like that? Do you suppose strippers have nightmares about having to dance to classical music or children’s songs?
Yeah, Valentine’s Day is over, but we just can’t let slide these names people give their lovey-dovey partners. We always scan the “love notes” people put in the paper for their significant others (and all the rest of the world). We just like seeing the cutesy names people have.
Get a load of this year’s list: porn star, poopsie, sweet cheeks and sugar lips, me lovey bumbums, babycakes and snickerdoodle, schnookum-booger, pink pixie princess and prince not-so-charming, sweet pea, honeymelon, smoochee and poonsie, and sweet baby punkin.
Please, if you know who uses any of these, refer to them by no other name – ever again. They deserve it.
Congrats! Andrea Naftz, who is a freshman at CU Boulder, made the dean’s list with a 3.813 average. She is majoring in French and Psychology. She graduated from Summit High in May 2002 but was outside of Paris, France as an exchange student her senior year. Tres bien, jeune fille!
We’ve got this gift
certificate just burning a hole in the Summit Up Magic Folder and we want to give it away. So, we’re going to make this the easiest Contest! in the world. All you have to do to collect it is to be the first person to contact us and tell us a story about the worst thing you ever stepped in (or the worst timing to step in something, etc.).
Contact us at email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just narrate the harrowing tale on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237. We’ll use the time stamp on each to judge the winner and announce it the middle of next week.
It’s Sunday, and we’ll be out howling at the moon …
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