Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that is looking for a razor with more blades on it. These wimpy three-blade razors just don’t cut it, and even the four blades, well, they’re just not quite good enough for our hairy mug. Yeah, what we’re really looking for from companies like Gillette is a razor that’s so advanced, so multi-bladed and so incredibly expensive that we’ll all just say “screw it!” and go back to full-bearded joy.
We’re not sure what’s with the American obsession with hair removal. What’s wrong with hair? What could be more natural? Who came up with the stupid idea to start shaving in the first place? At what point did we former chimps decide hair wasn’t cool?
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: We bet it had something to do with money. Like some guy, probably in England a few hundred years ago, had an idea to make a razor and figured the first step was to convince men that beards were wrong, stupid or gross. It goes on from there. And now, only French women are smart enough to not bothering to shave pits and legs.
MILLIONS OF FEMALE SUMMIT UP READERS: It’s not smart, it’s gross. Ewwww …
See what we mean? We’ve all been brainwashed!
Eagles, ya gotta love ’em, right? Problem is, in our view, we just don’t see enough of them. Sure, we have more hawks flapping around than you can shake a stick at, and even osprey ” which are cool, but let’s face it, they’re not eagles. They do not appear on currency or on the carpet in the Oval Office or on company logos. There is no “Osprey County” in Colorado, nor did the moon guys talk about the osprey having landed all those years ago. One does not get an “osprey” in golf, nor is anyone ever referred to as “osprey-eyed,” even though we bet osprey have kick-butt vision. Even so, we love our local osprey ” although we still think they need a cooler name (like “Seahawk 5000” or “MegaHawk.”) But some days, when it comes to raptor sightings, we just want a little more.
So we were like, “Hey, eagles! Get yer butts in the sky here in Summit County and fly around and look cool.”
And so they did. The omnipresent Mark Fox, the Summit Daily’s photographer extraordinaire, caught three bald eagles in his lens Thursday night near Farmer’s Korner, and you may have noticed them on the front page of today’s paper. And that got us wondering what you call a group of eagles like this. A bunch of whales is a pod, right? And crows comes in a “murder,” for whatever reason. Pride of lions, clutch of quail, crapload of worms, etc.
But eagles? Is there a name for more than one or two of them?
YES, there is! We found a website with the list of all these animal group names and discovered it’s a convocation of eagles.
Who knew? And why a convocation? Typically this is a word referring to an assembly of people, like at a ceremony with people wearing robes and funny hats. Perhaps whoever it is who decided on this thought eagles needed a very stately name, unlike some other critters. Here are a few more lesser-known animal groups, for your useless information:
shrewdness of apes
sedge of bitterns
lounge of lizards
smack of jellyfish
charm of hummingbirds (useful for Summit County summer)
rhumba of rattlesnakes
crash of seals
prickle of hedgehogs
generation of vipers
spring of teals
horde of hamsters
mob of wallabees
And the list goes on.
MSUR: What the hell is a bittern?
SU: It’s some kind of heron.
MSUR: Almost all of these would make good names for rock bands.
SU: True dat. In fact, we’re thinking of naming our alt-Zeppelin cover band “Rhumba of Rattlesnakes.”
MSUR: It should be a “squish” of jellyfish.
Whatever. We out, heading up to the Basin …
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