Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column reminding all us
gas-guzzlers that it could be worse.
Gas prices have been hitting extreme highs of late. Gas is more than two bucks a gallon in Vail and in some major cities around the U.S. We all know why – gas station sales of beef jerky fell through the basement. (You thought we were going to say war in Iraq and a strike in Venezuela, huh? No, it’s actually beef jerky. We could explain it all, but it takes some pretty heavy calculus and a nude interpretive dance that really can’t be reproduced in newsprint, so just trust us.)
Anyway, first thing: Just be glad you don’t live in Europe, or anywhere else in the world, for that matter, where they pay what gas really costs – on the order of $4 to $5 a gallon. Why do we get it so cheap? Like we said, beef jerky.
Thom, a new Summit Up Staffer, pointed out to us that it could be even worse than that. You know all these alternative fuels everyone’s talking about, and how much cheaper and better for the environment they’d be than petroleum? Well, check out some of these prices and be glad your Hummer doesn’t run on them:
n Gatorade – $10.17 a gallon
n Vick’s Nyquil – $178.13 a gallon
n Scope – $84.48 a gallon
n Evian – $21.19 a gallon.
Aren’t you glad your SUV doesn’t run on water or mouthwash? We thought so.
An anonymous husband called in this Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! His wife was down in Denver picking up some things, he said. She stuck an object in the trunk, shut the lid and, in doing so, the object popped the back window out. She drove back up the hill, window a-flapping the whole way, and went to Dependable Auto Glass. There, Joe Rubbo quickly popped the window back in. But, when the couple went to pay the good man, he refused.
“It was so nice of him, we couldn’t believe it,” the husband told us.
Joe, you are hereafter anointed with the karmic mudflaps of heroism, and may the rocks of fate on the highway of life miss your headlights.
Spend your Saturday wisely this week. You only get one. However, for 2-for-1 Saturday coupons, contact us at
firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just imitate the new gal we keep hearing on the Wal-ly World intercom by warbling on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re still in Denver, trapped by the brown cloud …
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