Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that feels it’s high time that Summit County has some token superhero.
Seeing “Spiderman” just reconfirms our feelings. Gone are the days when we were 8 years old and coating our palms and feet with chewed-up gum in hopes of climbing effortlessly up the side of the house. Yes, disenchantment’s run it’s course and we have come to terms with the fact that we’re not going to be that superhero. But, we’re still pretty sure we could use one around here.
Not that there are lots of potential mugging or stabbing victims that need to be rescued, but a good superhero on hand “just in case” is never a bad idea.
What with the disappointing winter, if nothing else, a local superhero could at least bring in some lost tourist revenue. The trouble with superheroes is coming up with a name for them. Most of the classics are painfully simple – Spiderman, Batman, Batwoman, Superwoman, etc.
Somehow, something along the lines of “Mountainman” doesn’t seem like it would catch on real well. Not just because it immediately evokes images of a hairy, lumberjack-type character, but because we mountain people already get such a bad rap for being backwoods yahoos as it is.
We’re also not sure what our superhero’s key mode of transportation would be. Batmobile: taken. Spiderwebs: taken. We were always a big fan of busting through our clothes like the Incredible Hulk and lumbering barefoot to the rescue at amazing land speeds for a 300-pounder, but that idea’s also been snatched up.
It’s time for some brainstorming.
Possible modes of transportation for the Summit County superhero:
– Full-suspension mountain bike with all the accessories, plus matching downhill uniform with wings glued onto the helmet, elbows and ankles.
– Snowmobile that takes flight upon top speeds like the DeLorean in “Back to the Future” and grows hooves for dry land travel.
– Burton snowboard that transforms into a skate board with a high-powered engine that emits bubbles.
– A sporty-looking pack mule or llama.
– A hovercraft with a drill to excavate what this town was really made of inside the dusty crater that we think of as Denver’s water supply.
– Twin tips with wheels, man.
Getting back to names, it’s not going to be easy. Simple is good, but it has to be catchy, too. The Green Lantern is a pretty cool name for a superhero – you remember, he’s the guy with the magic ring and the little blue sidekick that inspired the “Ambiguously Gay Duo” spoof on Saturday Night Live? We want to have a superhero hip enough to avoid cruel mockeries and the possibility of being derided in what can be scathingly mean anonymous columns in the local newspaper.
We know it’s going to take more than this, but here is a list of preliminary ideas to expand upon:
Names for Summit County superhero:
– The White Fire
– Downhill Bill or Downhill Jill
– Enduro Edna
Yeah, we know it’s weak. Our brains actually are in a melt-down stage at the moment, thanks to the residual side effects of all that green paint we mistook for superhero juice when we were 7.
We’re looking for ideas, here. Not just the hero that swoops down with a hang glider to rescue the neighborhood cat from the pack of raccoons or the wayward yellow lab from the porcupine. We want action, glitz, vibe and sensation! We want safety on the streets and a good photo opportunity for passing motorists. Help us out. If you have ideas about who the token Summit County superhero should be, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. And don’t give us any crap about how “we’re all superheroes”. In the meantime, we’ll start our orange paint diet and get to building that homemade jetpack we’ve been thinking about. We’ll step up to the plate. Up, up and away …
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