Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column in need of a brain Heimlich. It doesn’t seem right: If you have a splinter agonizing and itching in your thumb, you’ve got tweezers. If you have hiccups that just won’t go away, there’re several purported remedies – holding your breath, getting scared by someone, drinking water, etc. If you can’t get that hunk of spud unstuck from your windpipe, your neighbor can give you the bear hug of medical love, the Heimlich maneuver.
But why is it that no one has figured out a good way to get a song out of our cerebrum? For the past 24 hours, we’ve had Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” lodged in our head, going around in circles, and it’s getting us dizzy like we’re sucking on car exhaust.
You’d think by now that someone would have come up with a meditation, some sort of mental exercise or a soft rubber mallet that would help in these situations. We’re so surprised it hasn’t happened because you know people had songs stuck in their heads for months on end back in them olden days. There just weren’t enough songs to go around. We bet you those prairie cowboys or miners had “My Darling Clementine” wedged under their skullcaps like an incurable moss on the brain.
Maybe we just need to tune out. Throw in some earplugs. Put on the sunglasses. Maybe a little sensory deprivation is the thing, and Billy will “oh-oh-oh-oh” himself out.
Somehow we doubt it, so we’ll keep this mallet handy. And, at least we can take solace that the song’s now stuck in your head.
And now that we re-read that last section, “tweezers” has to be one of the weirdest words ever, are we right? “Tweeze” as a verb – now there’s a word that just doesn’t get used enough. We think it needs more definitions. How about:
n When the dolt next to you at the bar blindly flicks cigarette ashes into your tonic water – “Hey, jerk, you just tweezed in my drink!”
n When the scruffy, disheveled snowboarder is hitting on your girlfriend – “Stop tweezing my Betty, you choad.”
n The next haircare miracle product from Ron Popeil – “Have you ever seen hair tweezed like this? I ask you, would you pay $498.95 for a wonder like this?”
n Not full-fledged snoring, but not quiet sleep-breathing, either – “Mom, I can’t sleep ’cause Dad’s tweezing and it’s keeping me awake.”
We’ll call Merriam-Webster and see what they think.
Speaking of figuring things out, there’s got to be a better way to shovel snow.
Yeah, we know – a snowblower. But for those of us who don’t have the loot to throw down on a glacier-munching Toro, there’s got to be a more efficient method of shoveling. We’ve come to this conclusion because it’s exercise, when you boil it down, and whenever we’re at the gym exercising, there’s always some guy, apparently from the cover of the latest Men’s Health, who’s telling us we’re doing it wrong.
Maybe the next time one of these groups has a slide show or a presentation on avalanche safety or somebody’s climbing trip to Machu Picchu, somebody can give a little demo on proper snow-shoveling technique.
Just a thought.
Big Al sent us an e-mail wondering if the Summit Up Land’s Biggest Icicle Contest! was still going on because, if so, he’d like to nominate the ones hanging off the Frisco Post Office.
Yes and OK, Big Al.
It’s Thursday, and it’s also Abby’s Birthday! Woo-hoo!
Send us some stimulation at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or record what you think a brain Heimlich would sound like on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out dancing with ourselves …
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