Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that keeps having mysterious animals left on our desk.
That’s better than mysterious animal droppings left on our desk, but no less mysterious either way.
See, we’ve come into work in the morning (well, OK, lunchtime) on three separate occasions to find little pieces of paper taped to our computer monitor. These papers picture black-and-white drawings of animals with their names typed under them. First, it was the tuatara, which, we’re guessing from its picture, must be some sort of lizard or Star Trek character. Then came the Adelie penguins, three of them to be exact, which look like they’re walking on a tightrope because their arms (or is it wings?) are outstretched, and they’re all looking down at their feet. And, finally, came the paddlefish, which is a fish but is so ugly that even other fish probably call it ugly behind its back.
We realize this is nothing on the par of crop circles, Stonehenge or how quickly and pervasively the unwarranted fame of ‘NSync spread (and disappeared), but it is a mystery nonetheless. We call upon our field agents at Scotland Yard and gas stations around Summit Up Land to let loose the bloodhounds and get to the bottom of this.
As humans, we just can’t let a mystery be, of course. It’s just not in our nature. We hold up atomic power, space travel and Geraldo invading Al Capone’s vault as evidence. So there.
A woman from the Villas at Swan’s Nest in Breck called in this Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! She was heading out for work yesterday morning when the dolt in the car ahead of her cruised past the trash bin and attempted his best Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hook shot, throwing garbage out the driver’s window, over the hood and, yes, missing the mark. Our caller honked to let him know he needed to get his own rebound, but the Wilt Chamberlain-wannabe sped off.
“I hate to think my association dues are paying for people to pick up after this guy,” she said.
We suggest she imagines her dues paying for a sound spanking. We’re assessing a technical karma foul on this spud-knocker.
Not to fear, an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! is here. Barb called and said her local newspaper delivery person (obviously not ours, since the Daily isn’t delivered) returned a check Barb had written as a tip – but had left blank. Daniella is an honest woman, Barb said.
We’ll ship off a halo-and-wing set and invite Daniella to spank the aforementioned litter-bug if that’s not enough.
On the news front, this one can’t go unmentioned. Our Hollywood field agent, Alex, sent us a news item. Get this: A 6-month-old girl and 3-year-old boy were married in Nepal recently. Yes, it was an arranged marriage. The practice is outlawed, but the parents did it anyway because they feared their children would not be able to find partners later in life.
These must be ugly babies.
Part-way through the ceremony, the bride began to cry. The parents took a break and breast-fed the newlyweds to calm them down.
You wish we were making this stuff up.
It’s Saturday, and the bloodhounds are afoot. Send your clues to firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755, or just tell us it’s elementary on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out with a magnifying glass S
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