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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column laughing at its own identity crisis.Laughs are like snowflakes – no two are alike. Just like you have your own sneeze, your own hiccup, your own burp, you also have your very own laugh. But unlike your sneezing style, which is inborn and unchangeable throughout your lifetime – and can cause major brain damage if you try to alter it – your laugh is malleable – you can change it.Not that anyone needs another layer of self-consciousness, but have you ever listened to your own laugh? Is it an innie or an outie? dainty or powerful?We were having this conversation with ourselves the other night and realized our laugh has changed through the years, and much of the change has been a product of who we’ve spent time with. If you and a friend, lover or family member spend a lot of time together, your laughs tend to morph together. Really, your current laugh is the accumulated result of the company you have kept over your years.So if your laugh can change, the theory is, you can change your laugh. We haven’t put this into practice, but we plan to. Summit Up’s laugh is a cross between the whistle on a northbound train and the middle of the guitar solo in “Free Bird.” It’s embarrassing.So we’re out to make a change, and we know we can do it. We’re going for an innie laugh, like Eddie Murphy’s or that one Summit Up staffer’s – the tall, stately one. Innies are just rare, and they can sometimes lead to snorting, which, in the middle of a laugh riot, is about the most hilarious thing that can happen.***We have found what we think to be our absolute favorite Web site in the Whole Wide World. It’s http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave, and it creates articles similar to those written by Dave Barry, our favorite humorist. All you have to do is plug in the phrases they ask for, much as the book Ad Libs do.It asks you first to enter the name of a town, then something that would make a person leave, a plural noun, an insult and the name of one of your friends.This is what we got in return:”Recently in Boring (motto: “I’m about to let one rip!”), residents reported an outbreak of buns. Perhaps you think there are no buns in Boring. Perhaps you are an idiot.”As the French say, “au contraire!’ (literally: “scum-licking pile of dung!”) I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Doug Malkan, whose name can be rearranged to spell “DNOAUKGL AM,’ although that is not my main point …”That’s AutoDave Lite. Here’s the long version.”Recently in Intercourse (motto: “Wanna see my toe jam?”), residents reported an outbreak of hyenaraffes. Perhaps you think there are no hyenaraffes in Intercourse. Perhaps you are an idiot.”As the French say, au contraire (literally: “Uggh! You smell like something at the bottom of the compost pile!’). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Doug Malkan, whose name can be rearranged to spell “DNOAUKGL AM,’ although that is not my main point. “Doug Malkan,’ by the way, only has the letters “omalkan’ in common with “Monica Lewinsky,’ so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.”According to a quote which I am not making up, from Intercourse Mayor Thadeus Wermser, III (informally known as “Skippy,’), hyenaraffes rank as a major crisis just behind Jell-O, kids and dogs (insert your “lots of licking’ joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Intercourse government employees:”FIRST INTERCOURSE EMPLOYEE: Hasta la vista, baby!”SECOND INTERCOURSE EMPLOYEE: Go ahead, you #(@%&!”FIRST INTERCOURSE EMPLOYEE: Boy, the people you run into when you don’t have a gun …”Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Skippy, and that is: make him eat George Steinbrenner’s maggot-infested shoes.”No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner’s maggot-infested anything, although it might involve herking a big phlegm-ball on Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning “slurping,’ and de grace, meaning “pia coladas on a beach surrounded by sumptuous, six-pack-abbed men.’ The procedure (you may want to write this down):1. Send it to the White House2. Move to a new city”But instead, the Intercourse city council (motto: “We’ll provide for your comfort when you pry the beer out of our cold, dead fingers’) thinks that they (the hyenaraffes) will send this message to the public and to the world: “Jesus loves you, but everyone else hates your guts.'”Speaking of which, “The Intercourse Hyenaraffes Outbreak’ would be a great name for a rock band.”We think we on to something here.


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