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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column ready to gear up and fight the war through (shhhh!) sex.

Yup! According to an orthopedic surgeon, an MD, an acupuncturist and a “board certified” sexologist – all of whom are from the state of California – sex has a highly beneficial effect on the human nervous system and can reduce the chances of us going to war.

Here are some quotes:



“No single activity helps resolve differences and bring couples together than healthy physical intimacy on a regular basis. Prioritizing lovemaking can only add peace, love and harmony to the life experience.”

“In my professional opinion, sexual expression is a healthy human activity.”



“Make love, not war.”

Well, we couldn’t agree more, but this is Summit County, so we are a little out of touch with all that touching and stuff. We wonder if these doctors – Burt Levinson, Thomas Grotz, Angela Wu and Michael Ra Bouchard – are just saying this so they can, you know, get some themselves. Is this their back-door methodology for getting our world leaders and terrorists together? Should we be doing something else on street corners?

The whole thing confuses us, and if it does you, too, you can get clarification by calling Dr. Bouchard at (808) 891-0952.

***

One of Joel’s buddies called to wish him a happy birthday from all his friends on Tuesday, March 4. He’ll have 101 ski days on Tuesday, but Joel’s buddy failed to tell us how many birthdays he celebrates today.

Well, Joel, have a happy. Although we must admit we’re a tad jealous of the 101 ski days.

***

Speaking of birthdays, we have had a plethora of them in the office in the past week, so everyone’s walking a bit skewed when they come into work.

First, we celebrated Abby (“I am not the advertising department!) Eagye’s early 30-something birthday Thursday with merlot and birthday cake. Made for an interesting afternoon in the Summit Up Headquarters!

Then, we celebrated Jim “Pokey-J” Pokrandt’s big 5-0 Saturday. Well, we would have celebrated it, if his wife, Rachel, hadn’t kidnapped him to visit nursing homes. Instead, someone on the staff – and we’re not naming names – trashed his office.

And this Friday, it’s Jane Stebbins’ and Karin Prescott’s collective birthday. So if you see flames coming out of the Inside-Out Dishwasher, it’s probably all those candles, which, according to our calculators – Warning! Journalists Doing Math! Journalists Doing Math! – total 4,294 years.

***

Sherrod Bott, who happens to have one of the coolest names we’ve heard in a while (say it out loud – it’s fun) sent us a double Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!!

“I have 2 angels to thank today,” she wrote. “One is my guardian angel, who guided my car through oncoming traffic as I lost control on an icy Highway 9 near Farmer’s Korner this morning. I landed unhurt but a little shaken and perpendicular to the highway, on the northbound side when I had been heading south. I was fine but stuck, with my husband on the way to help me out when my second angel made an appearance in a white Land Rover with a tow rope. Clearly on their way to enjoy a day on the slopes, this family took the time to pull me out and get me on my way to work. For the second time in 15 minutes, I felt truly touched. I hope the couple who stopped to help me sees this so they will know how much I appreciate their random act. It really helped me. Thank-you!”

In addition to the usual wing-and-halo sets, Sherrod, we’re offering your angelic family a seat in our ark-dinghy. If they don’t show when we’re ready to shove off, you can have the seat.

***

OK, folks. We know you’re enjoying all the fresh pow-pow that’s fallen from the skies in the past two weeks. But it’s March (so some of our Big-Box Retailers will be selling swimsuits and garden seeds because everywhere else, the snow has melted and crocuses (croci?) are bursting, so it’s time for PARADE magazine’s annual “See who makes more than you” story.

We start with a local! Nick Tesi, a computer analyst at Copper Mountain, makes $50,000, if the front page of PARADE magazine is to be believed.

Wow, Nick! You’re famous!

But Nick’s salary, while great compared to that of a lot of other working slobs, is nothing compared to Elvis, The King, who’s pulling in $37 million a year from the grave.

Or Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who at the age of 16, make a cool $7.5 million apiece; author Stephen King who raked in $52.4 million; and Serena Williams, with a salary of $3.9 million. We are in the wrong field!

We want to know how a psychic and tarot card reader from Aurora can make $30,000 by making stuff up. And why a firefighter in Detroit makes $50,000 while a basketball player from Phoenix makes $1.9 million.

There’s money to be made in farming minks, it seems, or owning a kite-boarding school. But not in pet sitting or writing, unless, as we mentioned earlier, you are Stephen King.

Heavy sigh.

We out, learning how to act and play tennis. Or making whoopee for world peace.


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