Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column brainwashing you.
That’s right, as you read this, subliminal messages printed in invisible ink, radio waves produced by isotopes in the ink and special, light-sensitive chemicals in the newsprint are stimulating your olfactory nerves, all in a concerted effort to turn you into a mindless zombie prepared to do our bidding. That is, if you aren’t there already.
We spent all day thinking about brainwashing because, after this paper ran a couple stories about young people organizing peace demonstrations around Summit Up Land, a few gentlemen (we use that term because they were much older than us) called to say that we, as a newspaper, and those students’ teachers were brainwashing them.
The first thing that made us laugh was that two of these three callers made this exact claim, using that word – which only served to make us wonder if it wasn’t in fact those guys who were brainwashed. At least the kids’ signs all said different things.
But you don’t hear about brainwashing much these days. Seems when we were little daily column-writing kids (the first Summit Ups were crayon-etched and
finger-painted doodles of Dad bending over in the garden pinned up on the refrigerator, you know) we heard a lot about brainwashing. The CIA was doing it, remember? The Russians and the Chinese were doing it. The witches in the rising tide of Satanism were doing it. Blah, blah, blah.
You know, though, if people really were getting brainwashed out there – aside from those Mesmero the Hypnotist Comedian types who make drunk yuppies bark like dogs – the world would be a much more evil place. Think about it: If you could brainwash someone, you’d have them plugging up your boss’s tailpipe with bananas, goosing the rump of that girl who didn’t want to go out with you, assassinating your least favorite Iraqi dictator and robbing banks for you. And we’d know these people were brainwashed because they’d be telling the police, the press and anybody else who would listen, “Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but I don’t remember anything about it. I just woke up, and there was Saddam’s head in my lap.”
But in case brainwashing is possible, repeat after us: People will be nice to us if we are nice to them. People will be nice to us if we are nice to them. People will be nice to us if …
A real quick Happy Birthday to staffers Jane S., Karin and Amy – and Ma Summit Up.
You know the drill:
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just give us a hup-two-three-four on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
It’s Friday, and we’re out joining the Hare Krisnas …
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