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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column not quite as prescient as the kitchen help over at Ida Belle’s in Keystone.

We were hanging out with our field agents there early this week and one told us about the over-under pool they have going on when W. and the WMD-Busters (not a band, our military, silly!) will be invading Iraq. At last report, the earliest prediction was Monday and others were guessing throughout the week.

When we heard about this, of course, we were thinking it was pretty premature – like betting on the Superbowl in August. Now, of course, after listening to our esteemed leader on TV Thursday night, we’re wondering if the waitstaff at the fajita house has a pipeline to Washington.



***

Speaking of all this war stuff, we wrote earlier this week that everyone seems to be losing their sense of humor. Not so, replied Ann, the chief scientist of the Official Summit Up Institute for Diaper Rash and Child Discipline Studies in Nowhere, Ohio.



“I can tell you that humor is still alive and kicking here in Nowhere,” the researcher wrote in her most recent scientific article. “We try to stay away from the news and all that. And since we are not used to the snow here, we have been inside and out of school since about Christmas due to the freak blizzard of 2003. Trust me, things are really funny around here. It could just be that I’ve lost my mind …

“Experimental Child Unit No. 3 has developed amazing climbing techniques on the kitchen cabinets and adults. She can climb up a standing adult and sit on your shoulders without any help. Remember when we were little and we used to prop ourselves up in the doorways on Garden Creek??

“Experimental Unit No. 2 likes to “dress’ each day. She is the most beautiful girl in the world, according to her. If you don’t agree she gets really loud and insistent! I see her as a little Tammy Faye!

“Experimental Child Unit No. 3 is also a little ahead of herself in growing up. She hasn’t figured out that keeping your mouth shut while kissing your family is good. The funny part is realizing that she kisses better than the Male Parental Researcher.

“She also isn’t big on clothing. She and Experimental Child Unit No. 1 were walking together behind me in the store the other day. I turned around to check on them and there was No. 3 standing there naked. No. 1 had very thoughtfully collected her clothes as she took them off. I’m sure the guy manning the security camera at Wal-ly World had a good chuckle.”

We’re sure our readers with small children can relate. Those who don’t have small children are surely regaining their sense of humor right now (as well as some pretty powerful mental birth control, we bet).

***

We know this sounds stupid, but we figured it out: The day doesn’t seem to rush by so fast when you get up earlier. We actually got up at 7 a.m. yesterday and the day seemed to drag on and on. We had all the time in the world. Now we just need to figure out how to stop this incessant yawning.

***

Back to the sense of humor thing, we wrote earlier this week about how we thought up an idea for the April Fool’s edition (ask a long-time local about it). Our photo idea was a fake shot of planes crashing into Frisco’s Lakepoint Towers. Everyone we told laughed and then, immediately, said, “You can’t do that, though.” So, we asked our readers to tell us why we could or couldn’t. We got three responses.

The first, an anonymous phone call, said it would scare the children and they wouldn’t know what to think, so we shouldn’t do it.

One of our staffer’s sisters called and said we’d be playing on people’s emotions and fears and that wouldn’t be good. A well-put argument.

Then, a “loyal Summit Up reader who relocated to Southern California,” wrote:

“As a very enthusiastic and avid reader of your article (and newspaper) I felt inclined to respond. I’m sure I’m one of the only people responding to say this, but I absolutely loved your idea about the plane and the two towers in Frisco. And while I have to be realistic, there is a huge part of me that wants to say, “screw political correctness, go ahead and print it!’ I know that wouldn’t really fly well. Just wanted to say it was a good idea. I also wanted to comment on the fact that most of your newspaper isn’t about the war. (Or at least most of the articles on line.) And as a past resident of Summit, I just wanted to say way to go. It is so rare and so amazing to find news that does focus on “topless women stealing police cars, drunk men driving through the front windows of barber shops and criminals calling police to collect crimestopper rewards for the crimes they committed themselves’ and you guys are doing a damned good job. Keep it up!”

Yes, sir, right away, sir.

We’re right on it and out keeping it up …


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