Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that knows we must be going to war because the Easter baskets are full of guns.
Yes, we scratched our head over this just as you are. But, no, it’s true said “Deep Throat,” the very original appellation with which an anonymous caller dubbed himself. He described his shock at finding that a local grocery store in Summit Up Land was selling Easter baskets that contained plastic toy guns.
Oh, but didn’t you hear? It’s not about resurrection anymore – it’s about insurrection. It’s not about peace, it’s about your piece. How else can we teach our children about their maker without also teaching them to dispatch other children to meet him (or her, for the Gaia-inclined out there). And you know, egg hunts always scared us. Anyone who wasn’t able to find a hidden, hard-boiled egg (and whose parents couldn’t remember where the missing egg was) knows how bad that can get once June gets hot and steamy. So, why not just switch to hand grenades, or facsimiles thereof?
The Holy Land is, after all, full of holes, bullet-sized holes. The oil that burned in the temple for eight days will likely burn even longer on the sand, despite the desert winds. And as the 15 (not 12) of the council gather around the table for what likely will be the Last Supper before the Bush uppercut, we’re sure plenty of allusion such as this will get tossed around.
So worry not, Easter shoppers. Buy them guns, buy them fireworks, put flags in their hands and take them down to the chapel to ask forgiveness.
Wow, we’re sounding pretty Nostradamus-ish today, huh?
Anybody else out there getting a sore neck from walking up and down the sidewalk?
With the warm weather the past few days all these pretty icicles that have been growing this winter are now in extreme danger of giving us head punctures. We thought the running of the bulls in Pamplona was dangerous – those track stars should try avoiding a top-down gore on our streets.
This is just a friendly public service reminder to look up before you go slamming any doors.
We’ve got to start applying for medical research grants. Why? Because somebody paid the Boston Children’s Hospital to do a study – following the weight and behavior of nearly 4,000 people – so they could come up with the conclusion that watching TV for hours on end and eating a largely fast-food diet puts you at three times the risk for obesity.
Makes you wonder why it takes eight to 12 years to become a doctor, huh?
A woman called in this Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! on her paranoid coke-head former sort-of boss (her description, not ours).
She was working in Breck she said (we weren’t real clear on the business arrangement) and bringing business into the place and putting money into products. Then the boss starts accusing her of stealing, and she even put in cameras (even though she never changed the locks).
Anyway, the boss eventually “freaked out,” made all sorts of accusations and refused to look at the security video to sort it all out. Our caller quit and knows her clients were purchasing the allegedly stolen products – the boss just has selective memory, she said.
You know, we just don’t even know what to say about this one. Maybe we’re just brainwashed.
It’s Sunday and we plan on loafing with the best of them. If you took a kite out in this wind, you could probably make it all the way to the East Coast. Drop us a note at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or even call us collect on the
voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237, when you land.
We’re out reading on the couch …
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