Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column worried about its short thighs. We heard from the Irrelevant News of the Year Department that people with short thighs tend to get diabetes more readily than those with long thighs.
This has us concerned. Nowhere in the report did it say what defines a short thigh. Nowhere in the report did it say whether the short-thighed diabetics studied also ate piles of deep-fried goodies, failed to exercise regularly or tend to tip the higher ends of the bathroom scales. And what about the long-thighed people with diabetes? What about the short torsoed hemophiliacs? The long-second-toed nymphomaniacs? The short-haired bleeding liberals? There are just too many unanswered questions for a Monday morning.
We have word here that a David F. Rees, the sibling of someone in this county, is now a partner in the law firm of Stoll Stoll Berne Lokting and Shlachter. Whoa! That’s quite a mouthful! We feel sorry for the tongue-tied receptionist! We wonder if she has a long tongue! She must be long-winded to say “StollStollBerneLoktingand Shlacter” every time the phone rings.
What is it with lawyers and their company names? Here’s some of our favorites besides Dewey Cheatem and Howe:
3) French West Brown Huntley and Thompson
() Kidneigh and Kaufman (There’s got to be a joke here somewhere…)
_) Wear Travers Krueger and Perkins
#) Stevens Littman Biddison and Tharp
M) Litvak Litvak Mehrtens and Epstein
ü) Fahrenholtz Kleinschmidt Stephens and Shamis
^) Devereaux Stokes Nolan Rutledge and Fernandez
o) Garbarino Lochtefeld Pena Briggs York Tilden Totoriello, Spaghetti Pesto Maynard and Zyman. OK. We made that last one up. Still. There ought to be a law.
Anyhow, we send out our congrats to David Rees, of Stoll Stoll Berne Lokting Shlacter and Rees.
While thumbing through attorneys in the Yellow Pages, we came across Open Gate Assisted Living in Glenwood Springs. How nice. Open gate. Implies that you’re welcome. Implies you can leave, too. La-di-da!
The folks down at KBCO radio in Boulder apparently are bored and looking for virgins. The same could be said for much of the population in Summit County, but that’s not the point.
Specifically, they need virgins to participate in their annual Kinetic Sculpture Challenge. This event, which attracts thousands of people who have had it with final exams, the long winter and food in the dorm cafeteria, requires participants to create a human-powered sculpture. OK so far? The humans who power these run the sculptures over land – and then, over sea. Well, the Boulder Reservoir, actually.
It hardly matters. The reservoir marks the spot where they come in contact with water that many sculptures – some made out of brick and others out of cardboard – wobble, creak and sink.
But this event is fun! It’s right up there with Frozen Dead Guy Days in Nederland, the Heeney Tick Festival and the Festival for the Sake of Throwing a Party in Anytown, USA.
Which reminds us! Our favorite festival of all time, Breckenridge’s St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl is back on the calendar!
If you recall, the organizers – and they use the term very loosely – took a year off. They had the lamest of excuses: Some of the bars that usually participate in the slush fest – Fatty’s and Shamus O’Toole’s – were under renovation! Yeah, whatever!
Anyhow, the event is back, and we couldn’t be happier. This is a chance for people of all (legal) drinking ages to drink green beer and run amok in Breckenridge for prizes!
So, all you bar owners are encouraged to get with the “organizers” – and you know who they are – to make this March 17 the kickingest, green-beer-
slurping, crawliest Pub Crawl ever. Mark your calendars, folks. This event will forever mark your reputation!
We out, measuring our thighs.
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