Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t understand why anyone around here would care about the Bermuda Triangle when we have our very own Twilight Zone effect.
No, we’re not talking about the mysterious magnetic field that makes people lazy and forces them to park directly in front of City Market’s front doors. No, we’re not talking about what happens when you put grapes in the microwave (do not try without medical supervision). We’re talking about driving back and forth from Denver along the Interstate 70 corridor.
Here’s how today’s pseudo-scientific debate began: We have a friend in from out of town. We drove down to Denver on Monday, and came back later that evening. As we’re coasting down the hill from the tunnel, he asks if he passed out (altitude, you know) on the way back, because it seemed a heck of a lot shorter going uphill than it took to go down.
We can’t help but imitate hyenas and chortle because we’d been wondering if he’d notice the phenomenon that’s always puzzled us, but we didn’t want to bring it up and influence his response. We’ve always thought the drive back takes less time than the drive to Denver. Then we took a poll of Summit Up Staffers.
Come to find out, they disagree with us. They say they drive faster downhill – the whole gravity thing, you realize. We say we drive faster uphill because it’s easier to stay under control with Newton’s nonsense working against you. We know the distance is the same, so how can people be so far apart in their perceptions? Like we said, Bermuda Triangle-Twilight Zone-kinda stuff. We bet if you walked down along Clear Creek you’d find every sock your dryer ever ate, your living room TV remote control and Elvis.
Let us know about your paranormal experiences at email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just shake a saw blade into the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
You lip-locked, attached-at-the-hip types can ignore this, but we expect the single and prowling will be discouraged by it. We just happened to be looking through our paper’s nightlife calendar (not that we get to go out, of course; we mostly fantasize about all the fun things normal people do – the voices threaten to give us salmonella if we try to go out and we end up inside washing all our food in the bathtub for the night) and we noticed there are five different “ladies nights” at watering holes on Wednesday alone. We realize these establishments are entitled to think their ladies night is the best and all the women will go to their place and their place alone, but the male staffers around here don’t agree with this “divide-and-conquer” attitude. Apparently, they want these places to agree on dividing up ladies nights, just like a custody battle (and probably as easy to reach agreement on).
We expect to see you all picketing next Wednesday.
It’s Thursday and the password is “Did you see Star Wars last night?” We’re out in a galaxy far, far away … or maybe it just seems that way to us …
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