Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column here to “shock and awe” you into submission.
Hey, if it’s good enough for the coalition armed forces, it’s good enough for us. We might not have 2,000-pound, bunker-penetrating shells, but we tell jokes that bomb just as bad.
Have you noticed how the TV news networks have latched on to this “shock and awe” jargon? We were pretty excited when we saw those words in the crawler on the screen the other night, but then we were disappointed when the green screen of the night vision camera was pretty bleak and uneventful. We kind of felt robbed.
But maybe we just have a western, Schwarzenegger-
Stallone-Van Damme-influenced cultural sensibility of what being shocked and awed means. We expected lots more explosions – “Saving Private Ryan”-type stuff, you know? Maybe in Iraq, if you just submitted them to forced watching of Lawrence Welk re-runs and Pat Sajak reading Shel Silverstein poems from a leather armchair, they’d be shocked and awed into surrender.
And how about our military hijacking radio and TV signals over there? Pretty spooky if you ask us. In fact, we could be hijacked right now and you’d never even know it (except for the “All hail Rumsfeld!” at the end of the column).
Believe it or not, we also just figured out what our psychological operations commandos are broadcasting on Iraqi TV. You’ll notice that if you rearrange the letters of “shock and awe” you get “we sock a hand.” Obviously, they’re breaking down the Republican Guard morale and confusing them by showing sock puppet programs – hopefully, old Mr. Rogers episodes and Sherry Lewis and Lambchop appearances on “Hollywood Squares.”
We are fairly going deaf here in Summit Up Headquarters, what with all the war coverage going on. We’re not talking about the bombs, either. The women in here are going crazy over this war’s Scud Stud – and not Wolf Blitzer, who is SO 1991. No, they’re going gaga over Rob Morrison of MSNBC, the lantern-jawed, Stud o’ Scuds who makes a token appearance on TV every day.
We want more of this guy! We wrote MSNBC berating them for not providing an in-depth personality profile about Mr. Morrison and asking if they sell posters of him. We’ll let you know what they let us know. In the meantime, our eyes our peeled.
It’s Saturday, so do something fun and crazy – turn the hairdryer loose on the lawn, rebuild your mower into a hovercraft or slap an igloo facade on your house. Let us know how it turns out at
firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just shock and awe us on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out watching the potholes bloom …
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