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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column making IRS jokes, because a good laugh is the best remedy for an uncomfortable situation.It’s not a fun day, is it – particularly if you are an employed person in the U.S. of A. We barely qualify, but enough that we have to fill out forms and submit them and hope the IRS gets a good laugh out of them.In the past, we have submitted helpful comments in the borders of the IRS forms: “Compare and contrast income derived from a paying job and income derived from offshore accounts.” Or, “Subtracting line 42-b from line 19.a equals $2.74 or $2.7 million. Explain.” And “If a FedEx plane is flying at 749 miles an hour from Denver to Washington, D.C., and another FedEx plane is flying at 822 miles an hour from San Francisco to Fort Knox, which plane should you board to go to a remote Mexico location?” And, “Hey, we tried our best.”But really. Do these forms – even the so-called “E-Z” form – make sense to you? They don’t to us, mostly because we are journalists, and we are journalists because we couldn’t do the math to figure out how poorly we’d all be paid.So we play the statistical odds game. We do our taxes three times, and whichever one benefits us the most is the one we put in the mail. Works for us.* * *Here’s a bit of silly. We culled this directly from “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants” by Dave Pilkey, an author with a warped sense of humor and more time on his hands than should be allowed.Follow these directions:) Use the first letter of your first name to determine your new first name:a = poopsie, b = lumpy, c – buttercup, d = gidget, e = crusty, f = greasy, g = fluffy, h = cheeseball, i = chim-chim, j = stinky, k = flunky, l = boobie, m =pinky, n = zippy, o = goober, p = doofus, q = slimy, r = loopy, s = snotty, t = tulefel, u = dorky, v = squeezit, w = oprah, x = skipper, y = dinky and z = zsa-zsa) Use the first letter of your middle name to determine the first half of your new last name:a = apple, b = toilet, c = giggle, d = burger, e = girdle, f = barf, g = lizard, h = waffle, i = cootie, j = monkey, k = potty, l = livery, m = banana, n = rhino, o = bubble, p = hamster, q = toad, r = gizzard, s = pizza, t = gerbil, u = chicken, v = pickle, w = chuckle, x = tofu, y = gorilla and z = stinker.OK. Now bear with us. It’s almost over!$) Use the first letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = head, b = mouth, c = face, d = nose, e = tush, f = breath, g = pants, h = shorts, i = lips, j = honker, k = butt, l = brain, m = tushie, n = chunks, o = hiney, p = biscuits, q = toes, r = foot, s = fanny, t = sniffer, u = sprinkles, v=kisser, w = squirt, x = humperdinck, y = brains andz = juice.Thus, George W. Bush’s new name is Fluffy Chucklemouth. Haha! We love infantile things!In our office alone, we have Goober Gizzardsquirt, Stinky Bananafoot, Stinky Crustybiscuits and Gidget Burgersniffer!* * *Today, which is yesterday, but because of Daylight Saving Time, everything gets messed up, we have learned we are winners in the Crystal Lottery International!We have long been solicited by people from Africa who want to give us millions of dollars because someone died and they deserve the money and that darn government of theirs is getting in the way – imagine! And we also receive notifications that people in China want our plastic.But the lottery? Never!According to Mrs. Erika P. Overmars, our e-mail address was attached to ticket number 20599465886-629 with serial number 3772-44 and drew lucky numbers 7-14-17-25-31-29, which consequently won in the second category, leaving Summit Up Land with $1 million Euro. (By our stupendous mathematical calculations, that comes to $4.95 – we’re rich!)But, due to the mix-up of some numbers and names (of course), they ask that we keep our winning information confidential until they’ve fleeced us dry! And if that’s not enough, they hope we will join them at their end of the year $50 million Euro International lottery.We out, renaming Mrs. Erika P. Overmars: Crusty Hamsterhiney.


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