Summit Up 3-11-10
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that knows you have an incredible temptation to do something really stupid – like wash your car. All we can say is this: Don’t do it! You’ll only be crushed in a day or two when it snow again and those trucks – who are no doubt being paid by the local car wash places – start spewing Dirty Car Formula all over the roads.It’s true. Through exhaustive investigative reporting, we have discovered that the employees of the Colorado Department of Transportation – in conjunction with local road & bridge departments – are paid a generous stipend to develop and distribute stuff on the roads that’s guaranteed to stick to your car like one of those creatures in that one Star Trek episode that glommed onto Spock’s neck.We do have our sources, and one of them secretly faxed us the ingredient list to one of these formulas you see being spurted all over the roads:CDOT Road Formula No. 117LMakes 1,000 gallons500 gal. pond scum200 gal. rottweiler/St. Bernard jowl snot100 gal. mooshed-up sea urchins and assorted arthropods100 gal. semi-decomposed plankton50 gal. mucilage50 gal. more jowl snot (if nec.)Spray on roads, then follow up with sander truck. Nearly impossible to get off car!***Speaking of CDOT, we have to give those guys a shout out for all the hard work they’re doing (and we do mean “hard”) to get I-70 back open through Glenwood Canyon. If it were up to us, faced with having to figure out how to blast some stupid rock to bits 900 feet above the road, we’d build a new road. No, wait – that’d be even harder! Anyway, hardhats off to you CDOT guys, even though you make up the evil car-despoiling compound.Speaking of Glenwood Canyon, does anyone remember how friggin’ long it took to build that road in the first place? We remember back in the 80s having to wait in lines for an hour or more to get through there. Do you have any boring recollections about those days? Well, don’t send them to firstname.lastname@example.org unless you want us to make fun of you for being old and nostalgically boring. Unless … you have some really great story. But we doubt it.***So we have a confession to make: That first bit about the Dirty Car Formula is a “Classic” Summit Up bit from, we think, March of 1999. We were poking around looking for this bit we wrote about the Keystone Zamboni going through the ice right around this time a decade or so ago, but we couldn’t find it. We did find the Dirty Car Formula thing, though, so figured we’d dust that puppy off.Anyway, our Zamboni bit had to do with this hilarious idea that the Zambonis floated all the way through the Earth’s mantle over to China, and there was an exchange between these two Chinese fishermen trying to figure out why all these odd machines with the peculiar snowflake marking were bubbling up in their fishing hole. You really had to read it, hoo-boy, it was a stitch. But we just can’t seem to find or remember how to reproduce it here – plus we know the Keystone guys are probably feeling a little sheepish about dunking another Zamboni so we’ll let it slide for now. But if you want to hear more, check out page 2 today – and thanks to the folks who sent us photos of the happening.Well, folks, that’s about it for today. Can you believe it’s Thursday already? No big surprise, since yesterday was Wednesday and tomorrow is Friday, but even so …We out.
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