Summit Up 3-16-11: Gearin’ up for the greenin’ of the liver
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s busy doing our liver exercises for St. Paddy’s Day – and not because of what you think. Oh no. We believe in moderation when it comes to drinking booze. And even if we might love to power down a quart of Jameson’s, we take 10 years to do it. You’ve got to let some dust settle on that bottle!
No, we do liver exercises simply because we believe in good liver health. To be honest, we’re not even sure what the liver does (something about cleaning the blood?), but we know it’s important and that it’s one of those things where, if something goes wrong with it, it’s a big pain in the ass to get a new one. They don’t just grow on trees (although if you ever see that one film with that one guy who was in that one really lame Star Wars movie, you know that in the future we will all have clones to grow us spare livers and spleens and kidneys and have ya. Problem is the clones will eventually catch on that they have the bad end of the deal, and they will act on that in ways that may not be so pleasant. And as anyone who’s ever watched a sci-fi film knows, the last thing you want on your hands is a bunch of angry clones).
Where were we? Oh, livers and sech. (BTW: We were thinking of Ewan McGregor in “The Island’ – it just came to us.) So do you liver exercises and enjoy St. Patrick’s Day with a drink or two. Just don’t – as our dad would say – go ape sh**. It can get you in trouble.
(And BTW: check out the story in today’s paper about the guy who ran into a sheriff’s office patrol car while under the influence. Talk about the poster child for DUI awareness. Sheesh.)
OK, also for St. Pat’s, someone named Uncle Oz (we like him already) sent in these festive limericks. Women and children, hold your noses and cover your ears!
Limerick No. 1
Saint Patrick banned snakes, all kinds.
The Irish, they toast with rhymes.
But “Tree Huggers” have said
Should have been hung till dead.
For committing environmental crimes!
Limerick No. 2
There once was a Lass from Cork
Who’s knees bent out like a fork
Got wild Er’e day
And that was OK
Till that little visit from the stork.
Limerick No. 3
There once was an Irishman, who thinks.
Stead of spendin his money, on drinks.
It was just his bad luck
He got hit by a truck.
Stead o boozen with mates, me’thinks.
Hmmm … we’re not sure those are all 100 percent politically correct, so if they offend you in any way, please file a complaint with the chancellor of the exchequer, Box 1, Montezuma. Be sure to cite “Incident report No. 287A” and copy the Prime Minister of Malta, in triplicate.
Our old friend George Becker wrote us a short note to say he’s “still waiting” for the Worst of Summit Up book we’ve not once promised is forthcoming (but that we wish we had the spare time to put together). George, all’s we can say is hang tight. Once the ‘conomy comes roarin’ back and we have, like, 17 new people in the newsroom – including a special Summit Up assistant editor/aide de camp – we will get on that project like white on rice and get those puppies on the street.
For now, all we can say is if you’re really jonesin’ for some kind of Summit Up compilation, just go to our website and do a search for “Summit Up.” You’ll get a bunch. In the meantime, what’s wrong with perfectly fresh, all new, completely original columns served up pipin’ hot to you every day in print and online?
All that said, we’ve gotta run. Until tomorrow, Summit County …
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