Summit Up 3-2-11: Squeezing the butter udder of goodness for popcorn lovers everywhere
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that would like to welcome you to Colorado Weights & Measures Week with a hearty thump of our ruler on your knuckles, a spin of the distance wheel and a thumb on the scale of what might generally be considered reality.Actually, we are not fabricating this information. This here press release we received says “Governor Hickenlooper Proclaims March 1-7 as Colorado Weights and Measures Week.”Millions of Summit Up Readers: What be that, pray tell?SU: Who are you, MSUR, Cotton Mather or something? Anyway, this is super important, as we read some more:”Americans seldom question the quantity statement on a package or the scale at a check stand and even fewer know who is responsible for instilling that confidence. Weights and Measures Week is an opportunity to educate consumers, businesses, and lawmakers about the quiet but systematic effort of the CDA weights and measures officials who have instilled so much trust in our marketplace.”Wow! Are they trying to say that when we buy, say, a 13-ounce box of Trix that it might only be, like, 12.7 ounces or something? We just always believe what’s on the box – kinda like how we just buy whatever we read in the newspaper!Anyway, we’re glad the Colorado Department of Agriculture is on top of all this.MSUR: How can we celebrate Colorado Weights & Measures Week?SU: We have a few suggestions:>Try to weigh a watermelon on your kitchen scale and see what happens.>Use the word “avoirdupois” as often as possible.>Never say “ton” when you can say “metric ton.” It just sounds somehow smarter, cooler.>Stand on a scale, record what it says. Now stand on the scale holding your dog, record what it says. Subtract the first number from the second and voila! You’ve just weighed your dog! Now, try this with a 10-pound bag of potatoes and makes sure it’s really 10 pounds. If it’s not, go to the customer service desk at the grocery store and give them a piece of your mind! Be sure to use high-falutin’ terms like “troy ounce” and “kilogram” and the like.Throw a Weights & Measures Party! Invite your friends over and tell them to bring an object of some kind. Weigh the objects, carefully recording each value. Now, add it all up and, at the stroke of midnight, announce the grand total to the breathless crowd. It means nothing, and no matter what the total, celebrate with shots and dance the Macarena. Be sure to have a designated driver if things get out of hand at your Weights & Measures Party.>For additional good times, check out http://www.colorado.gov/ag/ics and click on “measurement standards” or “metrology laboratory.”***OK, this just in from Roger Hollenbeck at Rocky Mountain Snowbike:”I am proud to announce that, at the request of CBS Television, Breckenridge based Rocky Mountain Snowbike Inc. has sent a Brenter Snowbike from Summit County to feature on the showcase on CBS’s ‘The Price Is Right’ game show on March 22. The game was taped on Feb. 24 and there was a winner!”Cool! We think. The “Price is Right” is still on??? Guess we haven’t been watching enough daytime TV!***T’other day, we talked about how one of the Summit Up Central Staffers was thinking of taking the plunge and buying a ski helmet. Citing the dizzying array of such, we asked if anyone had a suggestion, and Alyssa wrote thusly:”Check out a Carbon, Bern helmet. First off this helmet had personally saved me from multiple concussions, let alone other brain damages. Second it just looks cool. Even has a mini visor to keep the sun out of your eyeballs. Third it has removable ear warmers, which in my book is a must. Do the right thing, get a helmet and go with Bern.”We don’t know if Alyssa is a rep for Bern or anything, but we did take a look and thought it does look pretty cool – although we’re a little worried it slightly breaks our rule about no German-soldier-y looking helmets. What say all of you? Should we buy it or is there a better one out there? Let us know at firstname.lastname@example.org (or simply say to yourself “Figure it out yourself, dipwads” and go on with your day.) It’s your choice.***Phew! It’s pie day at the Village Inn again, which means we have a huge hole to fill. We hope the Village Inn folks appreciate this and come by sometime with a bunch of pies (or even just one) for the Summit Up Central Staffers. We’re dishin’ out pearls here to make this happen, and just look at this big, long-ass column stretching out before us. It’s 5:05 p.m. on Tuesday and we can hear the clank of happy hour starting. But we can’t do anything until we fill up all this space ahead of us. What will we do?Well, we did get a nice note from a PR guy named Andy Peters, who had this to say:”I don’t know which one of you wrote this today, but it was hilarious. Good job. And no, I’m not just trying to ingratiate myself with the editorial team because I work at a PR firm. Okay, well, maybe a little bit. Reticulated.”Andy was, of course, referring to Tuesday’s column, which contained a lot of highly superfluous information about reticulated pythons and giraffes.Anyway, thanks Andy! We always appreciate a shout-out like that. If anyone else has anything wonderful to say about us, the column, the reticulated python or any other weird critter, occurrence, celebrity or, really, anything at all, shoot it our way at email@example.com.***So we went to see The King’s Speech Monday night over in Dillon, and we learned a few things. The first was that if you are the movie person behind the counter and the butter machine for the popcorn isn’t squirting butter (or butter-flavored grease, as the case may be) out fast enough, you have to go under the counter and squeeze the butter bag (or, as we like to call it now, the butter udder).Also, here’s a trick for all you popcorn lovers who hate the fact that, after you get past the top third or so of the bag, the buttery flavor has run out: Take a straw and stick it down into the depths of the bag, then carefully align the top of the straw with the flow from the butter udder (after it’s been properly squeezed, of course) and let the butter run down for a bit. This will ensure that no errant lower kernels will remain unsaturated by the butter-flavored grease.Be sure to grab lots of napkins, cuz you’ll have a real buttery mess on your hands. Also, to avoid enviro-guilt for having used that plastic straw so briefly, use the butter straw to sip your Coke. After just a few oddly buttery-flavored sips, it’ll start to clear out and all will be right and good with the world.So endeth the lesson, and the column, thank god! We out.
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