Summit Up 3-23-11: Where we’re gettin’ Neanderthal on yo’ass! | SummitDaily.com
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Summit Up 3-23-11: Where we’re gettin’ Neanderthal on yo’ass!

Illustration courtesy JPL/NASAA new University of Colorado Boulder study indicates Neanderthals had achieved continuous control of fire by roughly 400,000 years ago.
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Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that is wondering what secrets our readers have. How about dreams? Secret dreams? Pipe dreams? Dark secrets? Not-so-dark secrets …MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: What’s a “not-so-dark secret?”SU: Oh, like one you aren’t too embarrassed to divulge -like how you like to dissect an Oreo before eating it, mix the white stuff in a food processor with juice from the bottle of capers, then carve the black things into the shapes of the yin-and-yang symbols before putting it all back together and eating it while hanging upside down naked from your ankles in a cave surrounded by fruitbats. (Be careful, those fruitbats can nip at yer berries!)MSUR: That’s actually pretty embarrassing. Or just plain weird.SU: OK, well, we’re talking about your secrets and dreams, MSUR, which we’re sure are much more standard and pedestrian than ours.MSUR: Beg your pardon! We’re as weird as the next group of daily column readers!SU: Ok, whatever. The point is, our good friends at the Backstage Theatre over there in Breckenridge are doing a show next month about secrets and dreams, and they’re looking for submissions from all of you. Real stuff – not fabricated crapola about some guy with a bat-Oreo fetish. Here be the skinny from the BST:We are seeking your secrets and dreams!(See? We told you!)Unburden to us, and we will create a show based upon these submissions – to be presented in April.Now, it’s easier than ever to submit your secrets and dreams.We have now set-up a submission form on our website that allows you to participate anonymously online! Just visit our website at http://www.backstagetheatre.orgto learn more about this project and to participate.No submission is too shocking!No submission is too tame!Be a part of this exciting new project – and see your secrets and dreams onstage! You can still drop-off your hand-written or typed submissions at the following locations:>Allure Aesthetics and Laser Center in Frisco>Red Buffalo Tea & Coffee in Silverthorne>The Breckenridge Theatre in BreckenridgeThe deadline is March 25, so you better get onnit, doggonit.***Have you ever secretly dreamed of being a Neanderthal? The kind of guy who shows up at the party and gets loudly, stupidly drunk and knocks stuff over, spills things on the carpet, insults the hostess and then falls asleep on said hostess’s bed in a pool of his own barf?(sound of crickets)Actually, we didn’t mean that kind of Neanderthal (who the hell is writing this column anyway?!). We were thinking of real Neanderthals, an illustration of whom you can see at right. Doesn’t that look peaceful, with the family around the fire, the mammoths cavorting in the background and the lovely night sky. Try to ignore the saber-toothed tiger mauling a critter just yards away – that kind of stuff went on all the time back then, we’re led to believe. It was kinda like a traffic accident today; you wanna look but, if there was a Neanderthal cop there, he’d be waving you on saying “Move along, folks, nothing to see here” even though you know damn good and well there is most definitely something to see here! Look at that tiger maul that critter! Gnarly! Gnork, get our your chisel and stone and capture a pic of this action!Where were we? Oh, right, stuff about Neanderthals. According to this press release we received from the University of Colorado in Boulder, a new study is showing “clear evidence of the continuous control of fire by Neanderthals in Europe dating back roughly 400,000 years, yet another indication that they weren’t dimwitted brutes as often portrayed.”Oh, CU, please don’t tell us Neanderthals weren’t dimwitted brutes! That’s like telling us the Irish are teetotalers, that the ancient Egyptians didn’t suck the brains of their dead out through their noses or that the Romans didn’t throw people to the lions. We need this kind of stereotyping stuff to maintain all those well-worn clichs, such as:>Whoa, check out the Neanderthal over there at the hors d’oeuvres table sticking his finger in the hummus!>Hey, who’s the Neanderthal wearing his ski boots in the cereal aisle at City Market?>Is it just me, or do my tennis shoes smell like the fanny pack of a Neanderthal just back from a giant sloth hunt?OK, that last one’s a little random, but you get the picture. Anyway, the news release goes on to say “Neanderthals are thought to have evolved in Europe roughly 400,000 to 500,000 years ago and went extinct about 30,000 years ago. Neanderthals ranged over much of Europe and stretched to Central Asia. Neanderthals were stockier than anatomically modern humans and even shared the same terrain for a time, and there is evidence that contemporary humans carry a small amount of Neanderthal DNA. Modern humans began migrating out of Africa to Europe some 40,000 years ago.”Archaeologists consider the emergence of stone tool manufacturing and the control of fire as the two hallmark events in the technological evolution of early humans. While experts agree the origins of stone tools date back at least 2.5 million years in Africa, the origin of fire control has been a prolonged and heated debate.” So the upshot of this big-ass study by these CU guys is that the Neanderthals used fire more than was originally thought. Big woop – we know people who use their barbecue grill all winter long in Summit County!But as you can see from our suggested captions above, not all was hunky-dory with the Grrggtphhh Family. Sure, they didn’t have to worry about a mortgage or keeping up with their Facebook account, but just try getting a date with mastodon blood all over your face! And if you think it was easy starting fires without matches or flamethrowers or anything, think again!***OK, as Hunter S. Thompson once wrote, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro,” which leads us to our next submission from Random Ric, who writes thusly:”This weekend I’ll be going to my very first full-on major league NASCAR race. I’m told some people will hold up signs saying ‘Please expose your breasts’ or words to that effect. Medical science says all I have to offer to are in the ‘rudimentary’ category. Well, duh, I knew that I just didn’t have the right word. What the heck, who am I to kill the buzz. I think way back in the day it was The Who who said ‘Give the people what they want!’ Look for me on TV. I’ll be the genius pulling up his shirt-just for you, America.” Uh, thanks Ric! Are you sure you’re not getting your car race mixed up with Mardi Gras? If not, just please spray-paint “Summit Up: Yo!” on your chest (after first shaving off all your chest hair, of course) so we can tell it’s you in the extremely off chance that, as we’re rocketing past the NASCAR race with the ‘mote we catch a glimpse of you.***Finally today, it’s come to the attention of some of the less-sporty types here in the Summit Up Central Corporate Suites that some kind of college basketball tournament is going on. We know a lot of people get all fired up about this, but we’ve always had a really hard time watching basketball because A) we can’t stand the sound of the squeaky sneakers and B) we’re kinda phobic about all that underarm hair. Why can’t they wear regular, sleeved T-shirt type things?Maybe we’re wusses, but c’mon! We also think that they should really consider making those courts about twice as big and the nets about another 5 feet higher – those dudes are huge, and they just don’t seem to fit on that court anymore. Where’s the challenge? Granted, we couldn’t slam-dunk or any of that stuff, but we’re not 7’9″ and 300 pounds.Bottom line for us is that we’d rather watch the finals of the New Jersey Women’s Auxiliary Club Bridge Tournament and Pie Bakeoff than this NCAA Final Four crapola, but … to each his own, right? That’s what makes the world go ’round, we’re led to believe.Enough already.We out.


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