Summit Up 3-4-11: Tuning up the ol’ liver for Spring Break season
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that is gearing up for spring break season, which we believe is just about upon us. How, you may justifiably ask, does one gear up for spring break season? Listen:
>Stock up on as many groceries as possible and do NOT, under any circumstances, visit the grocery store after 2 p.m.
>Put new batteries in the camera to record any instances of the so-called Gaper Suitcase or Houston Handbag – that odd contraption some slightly misguided folks use to carry their skis by creating a sort of handle out of their poles. (In fact, whoever sends us the first good photo of a Houston Handbag will receive a gift certificate for the Dam Brewery. E-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
>Liver exercises to keep up with all the shots you’ll have to do in case you get caught up in a gaggle of frat boys buying rounds. To properly condition your liver, start with a can of 3.2 Coors Light, then gradually work up the scale to your heavier craft breweries over the course of several days (you can still condition your liver and practice moderation at the same time!). From there, start on white wines, then red wines and move up to fortified wines, ports, ice wines and the like. Then it’s onto spirits, starting with your 40-proof liqueurs then moving up the scale until you get to the granddaddy of all ill-advised booze products: Everclear. You are now ready to party with the boys from I Tappa Kegga.
>Get your Brazilian wax on, just in case a beach party breaks out.
Personally, we prefer a warm weather place for spring break, but we understand the appeal of the ski resorts for many (indeed, we depend on it!). Apparently Summit County is right up there, according to this press release we received which reads as such:
“OnTheSnow .com, the world’s most visited snow sports site, today released its 2011 Spring Break Resort Top 10 lists, which name the top North American skiing and snowboarding destinations for families and college students. Steamboat, Vail, Breckenridge, Telluride, Keystone and Winter Park all landed top spots on the list.”
Two out of 10 ain’t bad! But where’s the Basin? What about Copper? C’mon … Winter Park? That place is a flippin’ morgue! We’ve never looked at this onthesnow.com site (mostly we just look out the window for the day’s snow report) but hopefully they understand the appeal of Beachin’ at the Basin and whatever’s going on at Copper, which is always fun (although we still miss the Eenie Weenie Bikini Contest.)
Moving on …
Here’s a Teen Scum Alert! Teen Scum Alert! going out to the obviously misguided youth who horked Ian
Parker’s MacBook Pro at Summit High Wednesday during 3rd period. Reward if returned undamaged.”
We don’t know what kind of kid Ian is, but if someone purloined our Macbook Pro – which we consider basically to be an extension of our brain – we would, we’re pretty sure, turn into a Hulk-like creature and stalk the county, overturning cars, scaring children and tourists, disrupting traffic and basically making a nuisance of ourselves until the Macbook showed up. We would then take the thief by the ankles and dip his or her head in a vat of molasses mixed with Super Glue so that he or she would have a bad hair day for the rest of his or her life.
Repent, thief! Turn the laptop in at the office or, if you know anything about this dirty deed, e-mail us at email@example.com.
The karma gods are watching.
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