Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column back from the dead.
Some daily columns purport to be writing to you from the Great Beyond and Hereafter. We thought about doing that but decided we’d reserve all judgments, ruminations and observations until we returned to the Land of the Living.
If we weren’t in the Land of the Living, you’re no doubt wondering, were we in the Land of the Lost with all the Sleestak lizard people? Were we in the “Land of Confusion” with Genesis, or in the “Land of 1,000 Dances” with Cannibal and the Headhunters?
No, we were in a place we would not wish on anybody. Our dear, avid readers will remember us complaining a couple weeks ago about failings in our health, uncomfortable disturbances in bodily function and other maladies. Well, it turns out we had mononucleosis.
Of course, we didn’t realize this for two weeks. No, we walked around, trying to work, wondering why we were waking up each morning in puddles that make you wonder if you’re having bladder control problems (fortunately, we were just sweating ourselves to near-dehydrative death) and watching our throat swell up like a cobra.
The fun of all this was going to the doctor. We’re big fans of the medical profession, but as we wrote after our first visit, this wasn’t so bad. That is, it wasn’t bad until they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with us (which only led them to call us in and take more blood out, by the way). And, when they did figure out what was wrong with us (mononucleosis), of course, it has to be the sort of illness that they can’t prescribe any medication for. Beautiful. Wonderful. Great.
So, here is what spending the last three weeks with swollen adenoids, night sweats, fevers, hallucinations and the joy of looking forward to weeks of low energy levels has taught us:
n Stay away from other people. You never want to get this.
n Daytime television will rot your brain, even if you’re only listening to it while you sleep. However, if you’re also on prescription painkillers (given to you by the doctor so your throat might actually open up wide enough for molecules of liquids to slip by), there are certain programs which are actually enlightening: “Teletubbies,” “The Price Is Right” and episodes of “Jerry Springer” that do not involve sexy-dressing middle-schoolers or their stripper daughters (which, unfortunately, is rare).
n It is possible to sleep 22 hours in one day. You just have to use those other two hours to move from couch to floor to bed to floor to bathtub to deck to couch.
n Your mother will not express as much sympathy for you in your diseased and battered condition if you continue to blame her grandchildren for your illness.
n One hundred years from now, when alien races start receiving the television transmissions we’re emitting right now, they’re going to think Jerry Seinfeld is our Jesus. You can honestly watch Seinfeld reruns six times a day.
n And, most importantly, mono sucks.
It’s Tuesday, so tell us if your part of the world is flooding at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just make glub-glub-glub noises on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out sleeping off the viruses …
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