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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column flagellating itself for its recent woeful shortcomings.

Well, OK, so the New York Times is beating itself up, too. But it’s doing it because one of its reporters fabricated numerous stories and fed them to the papers’ readers as fact! Summit Up encourages this in Summit Up, but not in such places as, say, page 1. We have not stooped this low – yet. Granted, stories about semis crashing into hotels and holes mysteriously appearing in highways sound a little far-fetched, but they’re real stories.

Our error, dear readers, was one of omission, for which we profusely apologize and flagellate ourselves on the doorstep of heaven’s gate.



The first error of omission is a graduation announcement! These congratulations go out to Kathleen M. Swanson, whose parents and Ken say, “Felicitations! We’re proud of you! Spread your wings and soar high!” She’s pictured somewhere on this page.

Wow! We congratulate thee, too, Kathleen, and wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. Don’t forget us when you’re rich and famous!



The second self-flagellation is for our omission of a Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! announcement. This one goes out to Jenny Cartwright, who celebrated her 30th birthday Tuesday.

Mom, Karlee and Trestyn say, “You lookin’ good!” Have a great one, Jenny!

We’re not sure where the breakdown in communication occurred. E-mail mononucleosis, we want to say, what with what’s been making its way through the Mothership these days. But we apologize to Jenny’s girl, Karlee, who was very upset with us, and rightfully so!

Happy birthday, Jenny! And many, many, many more!

***

We are scratching our heads over here in Summit Up Land.

Keystone Resort is hosting an opening celebration for the Park Lane Pavilion, a fun amphitheater type place where you can listen to music. Well, apparently, that’s not the only thing going on in the PLP!

June 12, from 5:30-7:30 p.m., the resort is hosting a free concert with the Beloved Invaders playing the coolest old-school beach music around, go-go dancers, limbo contests, food and – here’s where they lost us! – shag and dance contests.

We took a poll in the Inside Out Dishwasher, and while most people (mostly women) said the “dance contest” portion of the announcement was pretty clear, they shot us sideways glances when we asked about the “shag contest.”

Suffice it to say, we don’t think they’re talking carpet.

We didn’t think they were talking haircut.

Our thoughts went straight to “Austin Powers,” which is a very sick place indeed.

We took a poll about the meaning of that word, and the big kahunas at the Inside Out Dishwasher started passing out sexual harassment contracts.

Unfortunately for our Department of Humor Department, “shag” doesn’t (just) mean what we thought it did. (Thanks a lot, Austin Powers, is all we have to say about that.)

It’s the state dance of South Carolina. We tried to print the dance steps out for you, but our computer crashed and we gave up. And, even though we can cut a fine rug, we’re not sure we can print such steps in a family newspaper.

So head to Keystone June 12 and shag away, baaaby.

***

We out, sh-sh-shaggin’.


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