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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column dedicating its existence to Darwinism.

Which brings us to this year’s awards, distributed to people (or more often, their estates) who exhibit traits seen at the shallow end of the gene pool, if ya’s gettin’ our drift.

Honorable Mentions:



ü) A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

Well, duh. The same should be said for people who steal parking spots at the post office. Or park in the pedestrian walking area at City Market. Or balance their checkbook at the gas pump while a line of cars pile up behind them hoping they might be able to get gas before the joint closes. Harumph!



–) The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

Wow. Brilliant.

@) A teen-ager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds he received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

What’s wrong with that, is what we want to know.

!) A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. He made off with $15.

Which brings up the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, did he or she commit a crime?

) Whitwell, Tennessee: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home – with the chain still attached to the machine, and their bumper still attached to the chain. And their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

And first place goes to the late James Elliot of Long Beach, Calif.

8) When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Wow. And we thought sharpening the blades on our lawnmower while it was running was bad (the sharpening would be finished sooner … right?) .

***

While we’re on the topic of bad news, Frisco Frank of Copper’s AB Ski and Sport and one of Summit Up Land’s disc golf pioneers was quite upset Wednesday night. The Frisco disc course is closed for tournaments – something the disc golf tournament owners pay good money to access – and somebody apparently wasn’t happy about this. That somebody broke Frank’s friend’s car window.

“Why does disc golf have to come to violence and destruction?” Frank wrote. “Let’s all have fun.”

We couldn’t agree more.

In fact, on that note, we’re going to get outta here, into this great snow/rain/sun/wind, and enjoy what’s left of the weekend. Enjoy the solstice, people. The days get nothing but shorter from here on out!

We’re out …


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