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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s scarred, but evidently not a whole lot smarter.

As we’re basically Hindquarters-dwelling troglodytes, we were sitting around remarking how lovely and translucent our skin was. That got us on the subject of scarring. Imagine the scene from “Jaws” with Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw peeling back various levels of clothing and snarling things like “mooorrraay eeeel S” and “Thrrrressssher ssshhhaark, Chief Brody,” but about twice as pale and without the cool stories.

Scars aren’t just an aesthetic issue, Robert DeNiro notwithstanding. Without an outstanding specimen of scar tissue, à la Dr. Evil, we think the best scar is the scar that accompanies the best story. For instance, Summit Up Staffer No. 13/7 bears twin puncture wounds on his or her (while we may ogle one another’s scars, we still observe the Official Summit Up Gender Privacy Act of 2002) arm, and we thought we definitely had a backyard Steve Irwin or Jeff Corwin story on our hands. (“So Ray bites the rattlesnake back and says S”) The culprit? Cat bite. By crikey. That’s not so bad. OK, we had one cool story: “There are all kinds of rocks and debris and stuff and they have to clean it out, so they get this wire brush S” But the staffer in question gave the actual, physical scar poor marks for impact.

So, really, bike wrecks, birthmarks and being bitten by housepets and 10-year-olds (is there a difference?) account for most of our scarring. But if you have a story you want to share, leave it on the voicemail at (900) FAT-GIRL, because, frankly, you’ll get a better story out of that experience than if you tell us. Say hello to our little friends S

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