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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s been wearing the wrong size bra all this time.

And you probably have been, too.

The good people at JCPenney sent us a note, hoping we’d let all of you know that their stores nationwide will be helping women get into the right size bra. According to the extremely informative fax put out by JCPenney, some women spend hours at the gym strengthening their back muscles trying to eliminate bra overhang, which is probably like an overbite without the lisp. “Others can’t wear that tank top because their bra strap keeps falling down,” the JCPenney letter says. “In fact, eight out of 10 women wear the wrong size bra.”

(There you have it, men: The next time she makes fun of you for fiddling when you’re trying to take it off, just tell her she’s got the wrong size on.)

So, ladies, if this sounds like some of the trouble you’ve been having, you’ll want to find your nearest JCPenney store. For the next week, beginning today, every one of these stores throughout the country will be hosting bra-fit events. You’re invited to visit for expert measurement and consultation “in a private, discrete setting.” Believe it or not, JCPenney has “certified fit specialists.” Now where was that major when we were in college?

And for you ladies who are already griping about “one more of those things men just don’t have to deal with,” we should point out that nine out of 10 men are wearing the wrong size underwear (the 10th isn’t wearing any at all). You can tell that all these men are wearing the wrong size. That’s why, when they think no one is looking, you catch them “adjusting.”

***

In case you were wondering how many times a person could possibly clap their hands in one minute, we have the answer.

A South Dakota man just broke the Guinness World Record for the most hand claps in 60 seconds. Take a guess how many: 150? 200? 300?

Way off. Mr. Kent French clapped himself silly, logging 721 claps.

We can see the effect of this story already: Hundreds of Summit County readers sitting around in coffee shops put their paper down, look around to see if anyone’s watching, and do a little 10-second test of their speed. Don’t be shy. It’s alright.

***

Lord of the Lobby, Robert, read the “life’s unanswered questions” in yesterday’s column, in which we asked what the heck the “K” in K-Mart stands for. He e-mailed us:

“The store was named, I believe, for the founders, three Korean War veterans, the K standing for Korea.”

Interesting. Now we’re wondering if these same guys started the chain of Circle Ks.

***

Stephanie called us Saturday and said people are trying to kill her. And her dog.

She lives in Summit Cove and called us. She was walking her dog in Summit Cove (on a leash, she added) and a guy in a black truck with ZL plates crossed over the median as he was heading toward her and swerved off at the last moment. Stephanie said she could see his face, and he was smiling. To boot, she said this isn’t the first time some Evel Knievel has tried to play chicken while she’s been a-dog walkin’.

We’ll call this a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! and send the karmic elves out to do a number on these idiots’ steering columns.

***

It’s not just Sunday, it’s our birthday. We’re out enjoying it …


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