Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wondering what we’d have to print to drive somebody to steal all the day’s papers.
If you didn’t read our paper yesterday, we carried a story from Aspen about how somebody went around one morning earlier this week and took 8,000 local newspapers right out of the boxes. There’s strong suspicion that it was some people who were the subject of a story in that particular edition, and they weren’t real proud about what the story said of them. And, interestingly enough, they didn’t commit any crime. You can’t steal free papers.
But that got us to thinking about all the times we’ve made people mad, sad or otherwise not so happy with our work. Apparently, we’re just not controversial enough, because nobody goes a-robbing, they just come a-knocking. Really, the worst it gets is angry voicemail messages.
Maybe we need to assign a reporter to new, more sensitive beats. Maybe something along the lines of those TV shows, like “Cheaters,” where private detectives follow people around and catch them in compromising situations. TV does have an advantage in this arena: You can’t go stealing everybody’s TV to keep them from seeing you holed up in the No-Tell Motel with the babysitter.
Maybe we just need to establish a hotline where people can call up and record every embarrassing secret they ever gleaned from an ex-husband. How he eats popcorn in his spaghetti and sniffs his own underwear, stuff like that. Then it’d be a race every morning. You’d have to run down to your nearest blue box to read the latest dirt – before the subject of said gossip gets around to stealing all the papers.
Now wouldn’t that be fun to watch as you’re sitting outside the coffee shop?
Guy at the Speakeasy in Breck pointed out that, in our column last week praying that the expansion of the movie theaters in Dillon would mean there might be better movies shown there and that that was probably just wishful thinking because Hollywood has run out of good ideas (or the willingness to employ people who have good ideas), we forgot to mention that the Speakeasy does offer an alternative.
He’s right, and let us say that we are staunch supporters of just about everything alternative, and we frequent the CMC basement regularly. Our only complaint: They only show one movie at a time, and we often miss the movie because it doesn’t run very long. But we understand their constraints.
We leave you this fine Sunday with words of wisdom from Mariah Carey: “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
And if you can top that, let us know at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just tell us that Mariah’s no Sally Strothers on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
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