Summit Up 4.15.09
April 14, 2009
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that heralds Tax Day with a hearty whatever. We did our taxes months ago since we knew we were getting a refund, y’see. But we know for some of you out there it can be a little painful, and we feel for you. We’re not sure if marching around with tea bags is going to help much ” as some folks are doing around the country and, we believe, right here in Frisco ” but if that makes you feel better, well, we’re sure our local purveyors of tea bags will be happy to sell you all you’d like (although you will have to pay sales tax on them, sad to say).
But if such is your bent, we have a non-existent press release here that tells us of special blends of tea made especially for the, ahem, teabagging crowd. Such as:
Ron Paul Angry Zinger: A potent blend of pekoe, cinnamon and vinegar root that stimulates the brain’s anger center while reducing one’s natural inclination to grasp why taxes may be necessary at times.
Earl Graydon Carter: A libertarian blend of rose hips, natural rhetoric and Cato Institute grass.
Fox News Jumbo Mint: Contents irrelevant. Simply steep the 5-pound bag in angrily boiling vinegar and throw it as hard as you can at the first liberal or tax assessor you see.
So-Long Oolong: A mystical blend of Chinese tea and fairie dust that will take you away from all the madness to a land where everyone looks and sounds like Sean Hannity.
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OK, enough of that.
OK, so a couple of the Summit Up Central Staffers were thinking it sure would be cool to have some kind of gym or rec center in Frisco. Then someone reminded us that we have Curves, which is a place just for women. That made us wonder if there should be another one just for men. They could call it Pecs or Balls or something, and it’d be just sweaty guys pumping iron and parading around in spandex.
On second thought, guys often go to the gym so they can check out the Spandex-y women, so maybe that wouldn’t work out as well. Either way, a public rec center in Frisco would be cool. Heck, we could put it on the Peninsula!
(sound of angry mob tearing down the Summit Up Central Corporate Suites)
Have you heard about these “stress tests” they’re doing on banks? The idea is the Feds push and push and poke and prod on a bank to see how it might do if, say, the worldwide onion crop fails or bonobos took over the financial district. If it looks like the bank won’t do well, then it gets a low score. But, and here’s the thing (sssshhhhh!): It’s a secret! We’re not allowed to know whether our bank is crappy and about to fail or if it’s poised to kick financial butt. Presumably we can’t handle that info ” we’d do something nutty like pull all of our money out of the bank that’s about to go under.
Good thing Uncle Sam’s looking out for us, eh?
Finally today, we have a bit of sad news related to the economy: Nicholas Cage, the actor known for his, um, dramatic roles, has to sell his castle.
Millions of Summit Up Readers: Awwwwww …
SU: That’s right. Nick had this sweet 28-room castle in Germany called Schloss Neidstein. Said he had to sell it because of the “difficult economic situation.” And even though he apparently hadn’t even been there in over a year, Nick said Schloss Neidstein will always have a place in his heart.
MSUR: Awwwww ….!
Fortunately, Nick has a spare castle in England, so there is a bright spot.
Tough times, folks. Tough times.
We out, hurling tea bags at The Man.