Summit Up 4-29.09
April 28, 2009
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that says it’s high time a haiku were written to mark the pending swine flu pandemic.
Is it true, swine flu?
Like we don’t have enough woes
Please pass the bacon
Yes, folks, that’s what it’s all about: revenge! These damn pigs are scaring the crap out of us, clogging up the TV with all the scary pandemic talk and generally making a nuisance of themselves just like the damn ducks a few years back.
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS WHO ARE ALSO VEGETARIANS: Told you so.
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SU: Well, at the very least we can accessorize. We see people in Mexico are wearing these particle masks that make them look like they’re about to break out the dual-action sanders and prep a Buick for a paint job. But hey, if it makes you feel safer, um, good luck with that. Maybe one of those tin-foil hats would help out as well?
So far, swine flu has not come to Colorado, so before it gets serious ” if it gets serious ” we will have some fun with it before people accuse us of insensitivity.
MSUR: You’ve already passed that line …
SU: Maybe so, but we have a few things to say, one of which is that we’re pretty sure that if Americans all have to wear those mask thingies, it won’t be long before some company starts paying people to wear ones with brand logos on them. At the very least, we’ll want to jazz up these accessories with jewels, bling, skateboarding stickers and animal pelts (for you mountain men out there).
We also have to note that, if we got swine flu, it’d be kind of embarrassing ” even worse than getting rickets or scurvy or some other old-timey disease. It would be much cooler if, instead of pigs, the animal at the center of all this was something, well, cooler. Like a lion ” got me some lion flu. Dang! Other cool flu strains might include:
– Marmoset flu
– Flying squirrel flu
– Panther flu
– Black leopard flu
– Shark flu
… and, of course, the now rather archaic Boogie Woogie Flu. Speaking of which, if you can name a flu after a kind of music, why not …
– Ska flu
– Speed-Metal flu
– Reggae flu
– Punk flu (also a popular item at Chinese restaurants)
But the best one might just be one named after a martial art: Kung Flu!
MSUR: Check, please!
OK, moving right along …
Pop quiz: Where can you go to get a skein of yarn, a light switch, a bag of Doritos, an air filter for your car, a huge bottle of Advil, beef jerky and a half-dozen different Kate Hudson movies where she gets confused over her boyfriend and does kooky stuff?
Wal-Mart, of course. But did you know that, at the Frisco Wal-Mart, you might soon be able to add a six-pack of 3.2 beer to that list? (And believe us, nothing makes a Kate Hudson movie go down easier than a suitcase of 3.2 Bud Light and a leaf bag full of beef jerky). Yep, it seems our local Wal-Mart has applied for a liquor license to sell the beer-flavored water known as three-two, and we have nothing to add to that other than to ask: Excuse me, where’s your restroom?
In other news, we mourn the passing of Po’ Boys in Frisco, which closed for good this week. We hear there’s another restaurant that’s going to open in its place, so we’ll keep an ear out for that. Also, Friscoites may have noticed the liquor-license application on the door of the old Samplings restaurant. Very popular Vail restaurant Bagali’s is poised to open up shop there with a high-end Italian joint.
So we’ll see how that goes.
OK folks, we have to go polish our tin-foil hats. Check ya later.