Summit Up 4-9-09
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the worlds only daily columnn that has to say that, even though the conomy has been kicking our collective ass, you cannot keep the good people of Summit County down!(sounds of cheering, stamping feet, F-18s flying overhead)We say that because we have been out and about in the past week at events all over the county (the Ice Ball, Summit High Scholarship Night, SHS Speech & Debate fundraiser, First Fridays gallery thing in Dillon, etc. etc.) and the locals are as chipper as ever, donating as much as they can to every worthy cause in sight and generally just staying optimistic despite all the gloom n doom.We believe we have seen the bottom of all this mess and prosperity is just around the corner. (We say this because we actually did see what we think was the bottom: some kind of yawning cavern full of cackling demons that opened and closed near Farmers Korner on that lot next to the lake where people park cars theyre trying to sell.)Chins up, folks. Theres still a couple of weeks of good skiing (and even more at the Basin) and, uh, its always darkest before the dawn. Even though its really sunny out now. Whatever. Moving on.***Its time to take another trip down memory lane as part of our Summit Daily News 20th Anniversary Hootenannny Extravaganza 09 (Deluxe Edition) and look at a bit of Summit Up written 10 years ago in April of 1999! (OK, its not exactly the Dead Sea Scrolls, but still … 10 years is a long time). Here goes:Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the worlds only daily column thats somewhat in the dark about all these new TV shows. We find ourselves in conversations with people who are talking about the latest hot shows, and we just cant keep up. From Ally McBeal to Felicity to L.A. Doctors, we only have the slightest notion of what these shows are about.So we were thinking that maybe wed sort of guess what these shows are all about. Some of them weve seen snippets of, and one Ally McBeal weve even seen in its entirety. Here, for example, is what this show looks like to us:ALLY: Oh, golly, Im floating three feet above the ground and kissing a black guy!LAWYER: Lets sue Ken Starr for annoying us.ALLY: Am I too skinny? Do my lips look too big? How did I get so pixie-ish?2nd LAWYER: How did we all get so pathetically yuppie-ish?and Felicity1ST BLONDE: Youre such a bitch!2ND BLONDE: No, youre the bitch!3RD BLONDE: Were all bitches. But our bods are amazing!HUNKY GUY: Anyone wanna have sex with me and my two half-brothers who just got in from running drugs in Paraguay?BLONDES (together): Sure!and L.A. DoctorsBALD DOCTOR: Start an IV with tetrahydrozylene and then browbeat the intern.HUNKY DOCTOR: Its annoying to me to have to be performing open-heart surgery when I could be chasing that new nurse.LIMPING BITCHY DOCTOR: Im having you all written up for being dorks and philandering pretty boys.SAD BLACK DOCTOR: God, life sucks. This hospital is so-o-o-o depressing! But hey! Look, English babe doctor I can go after! Yippee!OK, maybe thats from ER, but whats the difference?Well, thats prime-time TV nearzwecan tell. We pretty much stick to The Simpsons, which is L) the greatest TV show ever made and 19) one of only two TV shows officially endorsed by Summit Up. (The other is South Park.)***We have a hastily scrawled letter here some anonymous person sent us. Its pretty funny, though, so here tis:Whats the deal with the stoplights? Does that flashing yellow/red deal not work above 9,000 feet? Not that I really mind turning all decisions over to a computer chip attached to a light bulb that doesnt realize that its midnight and the only other car within 10 miles is the cop parked 50 feet away waiting for you to lose your mind and run that damn red light!! Whoa!A little bitter I guess. Help!!Well, wed have to say we agree with Bitter Light Guy. Seems to us there was a time in Summit County when the flashing red lights went on after a certain time of night, but no more for some reason. Any officials out there have any input on this for our readers?***We close today with Dumb Deathbed Joke No. 822K:Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.Her pale lips moved. Jake, she said.Hush, he quickly interrupted, dont talk.But she insisted. Jake, she said in her tired voice. I have to talk. I must confess.There is nothing to confess, said the weeping Jake. Its all right. Everythings all right.No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.Jake stroked her hand. Now, Becky, dont be concerned. I know all about it, he sobbed. Why else would I poison you?Cue funny music and flashback FXOK, back in 2009 now. Go about your business, even though youre now 10 years older!We out.
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