Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wondering what the world would look like if we all had to trade in our cars for golf carts.
We spent our weekend playing golf. Obviously. For us, half the fun has to be driving the cart (because we sure as heck don’t get our satisfaction rummaging around in the weeds looking for our ball after every shot). Golf course designers in these parts, for those who’ve never sampled the links in Summit Up Land, have a sort of roller-coaster influence in their cart-path design. Golf carts don’t go very fast with a governor on the engine, but we tell you what, you put it in neutral on some of those hills and you can come pretty close to jumping a bunker. (Pretty close, but not completely close.)
So it got us thinking, you know, riding in a golf cart is a leisurely experience. It’s hard to get stressed about being in a hurry because, well, the darn thing just won’t go any faster. And golf carts are pretty quiet, especially if they’re electric. And, heck, if everyone drove a golf cart, there’d be twice as much parking space on our Main streets. It’d be a lot harder to kill someone or be killed in a golf cart accident. And it’s not like speed is a real important issue for getting from place to place – we can’t remember the last time punctuality was a big thing for our friends and neighbors.
Sure, it might get cold in the winter, and the roads might be impassable at times. But give us a week: We’re working at the drawing board coming up with a rig to put skis and studs on those puppies.
Our photo of the three toilets in the grass, which you should see somewhere on this page, elicited a couple responses.
Charlotte came up with this explanation for the commodes in the yard: “These look throne away, but a close friend of mine, John Seat, worked on casting for “Beauty and the Beast” and gave me the lowdown. Many enchanted appliances were used in the movie. The cast included candlesticks, clocks, teapots, dressers, etc. All had to have lyrical singing voices, but these three were better at throaty burps in C, G, and the obvious B-flat. Each could burp only one note, but together they were actually quite malodorous. They were flushed with excitement when chosen for the final casting, but alas were given the big dump in the final editing. They are now up at altitude rehearsing for a new touring musical. If urine town, listen for them. They’ll bowl you over with their talent.”
Very punny, Charlotte.
George Grill was inspired enough to send us two different ideas. First, he sent us this rhyming one:
Three blind mice. Three blind mice.
See how they run. See how they run.
They each ran after a farmer’s john
Then they lined ’em up right out on the lawn
Though one didn’t notice a top was gone
But two outa three ain’t bad at all
For three blind mice.
The mice were too little to raise the lid,
So now I’ll tell you what the mousies did
They pushed with all their might and main
Leaned the johns over, exposing the drain
Then with a mutter and a curse
They did their duty in reverse
Shooting their business up the spout
Then the three blind mice they all ran out
Where they went to nobody knows
At least we do know where they goes
The moral here is plain as your nose.
Bolt your commodes to the floor,
Lock your windows and lock your door,
‘Cause the three blind mice – someday
They could come back for more!
Then he sent us this tale: “Once upon a time, the Three Musketeers – Athos, Porthos, and Aramis – were afield on a campaign ‘gainst Cardinal Richelieu. They were seated side by side contemplating their next movement (Hey, these guys did everything together), when they were suddenly beset by scores of Richelieu’s troops. Leaping to their feet – knocking the toilets over in the process – they manfully fought the vastly superior force. Stout Athos, his sword shattered, grabbed the top of a water box. Swinging it wildly with devastating effect, he shouted “Whooee – this thing’s better’n ass’s jawbone!” The battle was soon won. In later years, the French government, desperate for any war monument demonstrating French courage and a French military victory, erected these commodes in memory of the Musketeers heroic stand.”
Epilogue: There used to be flag on the monument, but some French s–head burned it.
It’s Wednesday, and we’re out putting the tow package on our cart …
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