Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column throwing a pity-party for the cops in Vail.
Oh, the horror of it all. Can you imagine?! How bourgeois.
In case you missed the news item Tuesday, the Vail po-po is going to be changing its cruiser make and model. Instead of the stylish Saabs that fit in so well with, you know, the mountain ambience and alpine feel of the place, they’re going to have to suffer to drive (sound of throat sticking) Fords (sound of millions of readers gasping).
As Dan, one of our faithful correspondents noted, Gerry Ford is likely, at this very moment, calling W. on the red hotline phone to warn him that something is definitely wrong with the economy.
But we have to point out, in the interest of journalistic integrity and accuracy (always paramount with us, you know), that it isn’t Vail’s fault. Apparently, Saab has been selling the cars to the P.D. (and to Aspen’s) at a loss and they just can’t take the financial hit anymore.
We didn’t want you thinking that there was less money floating around Vail. Now that would cause a panic.
This Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! comes courtesy of Nate Rock. Nate hurt himself climbing over near Minturn, but his friends at the Blue Moose at Copper pitched in and put together a shindig for his benefit last Friday.
“I just want to thank everyone involved,” Nate said.
We’ll have to check inventory to see if we have a halo big enough to accommodate a moose rack, but everybody else can consider theirs in the karmic mail.
Here’s a little game we like to call Test Your Own Embarrassment Threshold. It’s real easy to play. Just read each of the following sentences in this arrest report about an Arkansas man pinched on Monday. Decide at which point you could not take any more, then compare with a friend.
1. You’re a 40-year-old man and you get arrested for indecent exposure and drug charges.
2. It’s not simply indecent exposure: The officer found you asleep in your SUV, wearing a purple bra and women’s thong underwear.
3. They also seized your Dale Earnhardt Jr. cooler.
4. Not only did they get your cooler, but they took its contents: Your methamphetamine, syringes and other toys.
5. Oops. They also got the bomb you built to take out your ex-wife.
6. Oh, and then they run your record and discover your prior conviction for using a stolen check to pay for phone sex calls.
7. You have to ask someone (anyone) for help with posting your $10,000 bail and explain why you got arrested.
If you made it to No. 7, you sir (or ma’am), are one confident cookie, what we in this business like to call shameless.
If you stopped at one, consider yourself normal (other than being a reader of this column).
It’s Thursday and we’re dreaming of slurping hot soup in the basket of a hot air balloon. Tell us what comes to your mind at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755, or leave your checking account number and debit card PIN on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237, to make a donation to the Put Vail Cops In Right-Proper Cars Fund.
We’re out removing our NASCAR cooler from our car so the cops aren’t so suspicious next time …
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