Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column here to tell you how to vote.
That’s right, put your conscience aside, forget what you’ve read and seen on TV and, definitely, stop listening to your friends and family. We’re here to put all that confusion to rest and fill you in on which boxes you should fill in.
Hopefully, this isn’t a news flash for you. Early voting has already started (thus our need to get the word out to you), and the big ballot day is Nov. 4.
But, Summit Up, you say, I don’t even vote. Well, that’s our first tip for the day: If you don’t usually vote, don’t start now. You’re way behind in the learning curve, and those ballots are pretty tricky to figure out. How do you think we ended up with the president we have now? And besides, we don’t want you to vote. We sort of look at it as though all those people who don’t vote (especially the ones who still gripe and complain about politics) are slaves to us and everybody else who votes. Think about it: By not exercising their rights and opinions, they’re pretty much under the thumb of those who do vote. If all those people started voting, it’d be a huge blow to our power trip. And we just can’t have that.
Now, on to the issues. At the state level, we’ve got ballot questions dealing with property taxes, gambling, water projects and bonds. Locally, we’re voting on term limits, mill levy extensions, a smoking ban, a lodging tax and school board positions.
We could go into a detailed discussion of the pros and cons of each issue, the fiscal impact it would have if passed or not and how we recommend you vote. But that would require us writing and you reading, and, really, who wants to go through all that?
Instead, we propose the following voting guidelines. Memorize them (you can’t clip this out and take it into the voting precincts because of a little fracas we had with the Federal Election Commission, but that’s neither here nor there; suffice to say you’re not allowed to write us in for United States Emperor, at anytime).
So, if you’re completely uninformed on these issues, but you still want to be fair, vote against every odd-numbered item and for every even numbered one.
If you are informed, but you don’t own property, then stick it to those mortgage-holders and wave to them as you leave the booth saying, “Thank you for all the free public services!” They love that.
If you’re informed and you’re a property owner, then we won’t tell you your property taxes should go up if you don’t tell us where we can’t smoke our peace pipe.
As for those school board positions … Talk about masochists. Vote for them all.
We hope this helps. Good luck, citizens.
Last week’s column about the connection between people’s preferences for smooth/chunky peanut butter and pulpy/non-pulpy orange juice generated reaction like we haven’t seen since our icicle contest last winter.
Theresa called in to say that she loves chunky peanut butter and that it won’t tear your bread if you don’t leave it in the ‘fridge. She said, “Sandwiches are to be chewed, so chunky peanut butter makes sense. However, with orange juice, you’re just drinking, so you don’t want any pulp.”
Kate called and said she initially wasn’t going to respond, but after seeing others’ thoughts, “I think I’m the only one who likes chunky orange juice and smooth peanut butter.” No, Kate, we’re sure there’s someone out there like you. Freaks always come in pairs. (Just kidding.)
It’s Wednesday and, around here, we have no choice in the matter. What kind of democracy is this anyway? Tell us what you think at
summitdaily.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just tell us how you followed Downtown Julie “wubba-wubba” Brown on the Rock the Vote Tour back in ’88 on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out gorging on candy corn …
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