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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column warning you to watch your lips.

We’re undertaking the public service duty because two different people in the past week have, unsolicited, told us they got their lips sunburned. Apparently, when you’re lubing up with sun protection, the lips are easily overlooked. (Well, they are if you don’t spend a lot of time – like we do – chafing them because you have to kiss people’s hindquarters.)

This safety message has been brought to you by the Petroleum Jelly Manufacturers of America, who remind you, “Don’t get queasy, just get greasy.”

***

Just a quick note: If you didn’t turn your clocks back, do so. Then go back to bed. Enjoy that extra hour thanks to daylight-saving time.

***

Paul seems to be frustrated, as we often are. He wants the best for the world and humanity and wants everyone else to want it, too. He sent us this note:

“Okay, if misery loves company, here’s my invitation: As I’ve written before (last week’s censored mad-at-the-world commentary) I am often frustrated by the under-evolved state of the masses. I do vow this time to end on a positive note.  

“My dilemma today is a moral one. I work in a retail shop here in Breck (never worked retail before now, but hey, I’ll take what I can get in May). We sell some ski/board outerwear along with all that “stuff that says Breckenridge on it.’ We carry a couple of name brands to lure in passers-by, but most of it, to be brutally honest, is cheap BLEEP. In the last two weeks we’ve been receiving our winter inventory, which awards me the task of checking it against the invoice, into the computer, tagging, security tagging, folding, hanging, then merchandising. One box sums it up (hehe). Ski pants: our price $12.50, MSRP $75.00. Then we pawn them off at 40 percent off. Now, this is the kind of trickery used to fool the customer into thinking they’re getting a great deal on something that is basically BLEEP. Watch advertising – the techniques used to get people to buy are disgusting, but there’s a reason they’re used. IT WORKS! For me this is sickening, and now I’m part of it! On the other hand I reeeeally need the money until season hits. Grrrrrrrr. I guess you gotta do watcha gotta do.  

“So the positive note. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. If you could be whisked across just our galaxy at that rate, it would take 100,000 years! Our galaxy being a grain of sand on a beach of galaxies … you get the idea. Not going the trite “we’re so insignificant’ route here, but it is encouraging to know that all of that majesty is waiting to be discovered when we get our BLEEP together here on earth and focus on what’s really going on in this perceived universe. Today’s mission: Do something to help the world WAKE UP!! There now, doesn’t everybody feel better?”

We feel better, Paul, until we imagine those super-enlightened races in Alpha Centauri marking up the junk in their T-shirt shops even more than we do here. No wait, here’s a beautifully ironic thought: What if we end up getting visited (and thus “woken up”) by these extraterrestrials because their spaceships run on cheap tourist T-shirts?

***

A different Paul (this one’s Simoneau, Imagicom Wireless manager) sent us a fax on the whole smooth/chunky peanut butter/orange juice debate.

“Hey there, guys. OK, I had to throw my hat into the ring on the peanut butter/OJ issue. First off, chunky is OK, but smooth peanut butter is best on raisin bread with a tall glass of OJ – with the more pulp being the better. So, my hat’s off to Kate for being the first of us “freaks’ to speak up for pulpy OJ and smooth peanut butter.”

***

Every once in a while, our opinion page department gets a letter that really belongs in our department. Don in Frisco sent us one of those kind. He writes: “If I didn’t smoke, would I still smell.”

We’re guessing this has to do with the upcoming vote on a smoking ban, not necessarily Don’s concern about his personal hygiene.

***

Today’s password is “alfalfa falafel.” Use it wisely. We’re out protecting our lips …


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