Summit Up 5-11-11: Bored to death and poking through our pencil drawer
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s so hard up for mud season column ideas that we’ve decided to torture y’all with a mindless diatribe about the contents of the pencil drawer on our desk here.
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: No! Don’t do it! Stop!
SU: It’s too late. We were thinking about this because, while we were wrestling with the tiny paper blanket that ensconces the mints in a tin of Altoids, we dumped them all out in our pencil drawer. And as we picked them up to put them back, we wondered if the layer of ancient gradü in the drawer would cause us any health problems down the road. And whilst we pondered such, we wondered if we’d ever take that step to clean out the stuff in there – things that we inherited from the previous occupant some years ago and which, no doubt, were there when said previous occupant took possession of the desk.
MSUR: OK, whatever. What’d you find?
SU: A crapload of pennies, for starters – a standard feature of the pencil drawer. Also a bunch of those binder clip thingies that we never, ever use or have need for and may even have forgotten how to operate. There’s a bunch of business cards which we never really look at cuz everything’s on our computer. What else:
> An ancient letter opener made to look like a Zulu spear, harkening back to the days when we received envelopes in the mail worthy of actually opening.
> A box of staples, which we open up every 18 months or so to replenish our seldom-used stapler, always thinking the same thing: Man, how does Swingline stay in business?
> A pica pole, which is an antediluvian artifact from the old days of newspapering when you had to lay out pages by hand and measure stuff and all that. Originally invented by the ancient Sumerians and perfected by Gutenberg, the pica pole is utterly useless to us, but we can’t bear to part with it just yet.
> A deck of playing cards for when our government collapses, the zombie apocalypse begins and we have to hole up in here for weeks on end, boiling water, fighting off the undead and playing cards. Although, to be honest, it’s been so long since we played a card game that the only one we can remember the rules for is “52 pickup” and maybe “Go Fish.”
> A box of matches from the Hotel Boulderado. (See zombie apocalypse above.)
> An old camera battery, camera long gone, battery long dead, but we don’t know how to dispose of it safely so here it remains.
> A tube of dessicated Jergens Ultra Healing Intense Moisture Therapy hand cream (fragrance free)
> A box of push pins that will last us (and/or the desk’s next occupant) well into the next century.
MSUR: Stop! You’re killing us! We’d rather watch paint dry or snow melt or something.
SU: OK, in that case we turn you over to Random Ric, who writes thusly:
“Lucky Wife Alert! Lucky Wife Alert! I didn’t call my wife the day after. No calls, no texting, no sexting, no IM or voicemail, no flowers. She’s a big girl; she can put down her own seat and everything. I knew she’d come home after work, but I didn’t take her for granted. I brought home some beer, nice and cold. Even though she doesn’t drink beer, at least I brought something home for her – it’s the thought that counts. I also brought home a pizza, which I thought she would share. Pizza is the perfect gift for all occasions and it goes great with any sporting event or action movie. It’s the thought that counts. Yep she sure is lucky to have such a thoughtful husband. Of course, she didn’t call me, either. I feel a little used, but I guess big boys aren’t supposed to be silly.”
Hoo-boy, Ric! We know we dubbed you the random guy, but you’re going to have to start being a bit more cogent than that. Throw us a bone, wouldya?
Pencil drawer update: We realized our hands felt a little dry and tried out the tube of hand cream … and it was empty! All these years we’ve been storing that damn thing, taking up precious room in our drawer, and it was flippin’ empty. Aggravating.
MSUR: Aaaggghhh! Who cares?
(sound of doors slamming, police cars being overturned, rubber bullets filling the air, explosions and an unholy chorus of shrieking)
We should also mention that in our drawer we have several hundred paper clips of all different sizes and denominations. We will never use these paper clips, and we feel a little bad about that, but what can one do? It’s like having a box of 8-track cassettes – you may have plenty of nostalgic feelings for that old Bachman Turner Overdrive 8-track, but you just don’t have any way to use the damn thing.
At least a paper clip can occasionally come in handy for other little things. Why, just recently we fixed our toilet bowl with one. It’s true. Paper clips can really help out in a pinch. As for a BTO 8-track, well, not so much. You could maybe throw it at someone trying to rob you or use it as a paper weight, but that’s about it.
OK, we’ve said enough for one day.
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