Summit Up 5-14-11: A little bitter about the foibles and weaknesses of mankind today
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that demands the people at the deli counter cheer up a bit when we ask for some sliced turkey or cheese. We’re tired of going up there and having them act like we’re putting them out because we, y’know, as them to do their job. And that goes to anyone out there who can’t bother to be courteous and efficient when serving the public. If there’s one thing we can’t stand, it’s crappy service!
(sound of phone ringing)
Hello, Summit Up desk. What the hell do you want?
(Um, we were just wondering if you could tell us when the two-for-one deals will start at [garbled])
What? You think this is the friggin’ concierge desk or something?
(sound of phone slamming down)
We’re sorry about that. That was the evil Summit Up doppelganger dude, who sometimes wanders in here and takes over. Usually we have this feral man-child chained up back in the old pressroom, where we feed him with bits of newsprint dipped in Manwich and served up atop an ancient Macintosh. But we were so angry about our shabby treatment at the deli counter that we left the Mega Mart without the Manwich and we gave doppelganger dude his newsprint moiety sans sauce, which he hates.
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: You’re fulla Manwich. Give us something real!
SU: Perhaps so. We will say this, while we’re on a gritchin’ roll: Today we’ll be out there for Town Cleanup Day here in Frisco, like we do every year, and once again we guaran-friggin’-tee you we will pick up 997,000 cigarette butts from all the mindless morons who 6) smoke and D15) make it even worse by smoking and then tossing their butts all over the place for us to pick up in the spring. Ditto the worthless heaps of gerbil droppings who huck beer bottles out their car windows while driving down Summit Boulevard.
What is up with that? Who does that? We don’t know anyone who would, in a million years, throw a bottle out the window. Or a trucker bomb or a despoiled mannequin or a vile, pee-stained pillow or or a headless doll or a half-eaten can of tuna fish. But there it is, all over the place,every year. And we try to be philosophical about it and think things like, “Oh, maybe they have Tourette’s Syndrome and, as they were eating their tuna fish out of a can whilst driving down the road, their arm twitched and the accidentally flung it out the window.” Or “Maybe their windows wouldn’t open and their doors were welded shut by a malevolent carhop at the last Sonic Burger they were at and then the dog peed all over the pillow and they just couldn’t deal with the smell so they had to throw it out the window and they said ‘sorry Frisco! really loudly when they did it.”
But really, we know some people are just awful, and that’s just the way it is. Makes us sad. Then again, if they weren’t out there lousing the place up all winter, we’d have nothing to clean up every year on Town Cleanup Day, and thus no excuse to show up at the town party for our free burger.
So thanks, trucker-bomb hurlers and butt-flickers and pee-pillow huckers: Your selfish and loathsome behavior has given us a bit of meaning on this otherwise nondescript May day.
Wow, sorry about the diatribe. We’ll be back stronger and a bit more chipper tomorrow when the weekend chipper staff takes over. Until then, we out, cleaning up this ol’ town.
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