Summit Up 5-26-10: Deploying the Manwich Buzzbomb on the Gulf oil spill!
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s a little confused about all the different ways British Petroleum is thinking might be the way to stop the undersea gusher of oil that’s destroying the Gulf of Mexico, Louisiana and who knows what else. We’ve heard about containment boxes, top hats, junk shots and giant sucking tubes. Next up: something called a “Top Kill” procedure which, according to the NY Times, goes a-like-a this: heavy drilling fluids twice the density of water are pumped through two narrow lines into the blowout preventer to essentially plug the runaway well.Huh? That sounds like they’re shooting more crap down at the crap that’s spewing up. It’s a double crap-spew attack! How’s that going to help? We here at the Summit Up Central Suites have actually been doing a little of our own research on ways to stop the oil leak. Tell us what you think of these ideas:8) The Tyson Espresso Blaster & Pork Explosion Plug-O-Rama: You know how those giant chicken and pork farms in the south have these ginormous ponds of crap (and we mean that in the literal sense) that are as big as Dillon Reservoir? Well, our idea is to take a big pipeline from the crap ponds, run it down to the oil leak, and plug that bad boy like a big ol’ stopped-up toilet. And we all know how resistance to unsticking a good stuck toilet can be. Of course, the additional benefit is that we get rid of all the pig and chicken sh**. No word yet on how all those creepy deep-sea critters will feel about this.vii) Food Bank Stop-Gap & Manwich Buzzbomb: So in your closet or pantry you’ve got an 18-year-old jar of molasses, a 47-year-old can of black-eyed peas and a package of mac & cheese that dates back to the Eisenhower administration. You thought about donating this stuff to the food bank, but then thought better of it. We suggest everyone in the world donate a bag of stuff too old or crappy even for the food bank which will then be loaded into the torpedo bays of nuclear submarines and blasted into the leaking hole. In addition, all world supplies of Manwich brand Sloppy Joe mix will also be loaded into Tomahawk missiles and fired into the hole. No one will miss any of this stuff and the sea creatures will feast on Manwich for the next hundred years.L) DiBenedetto Concrete & Hauling Company Sleep With the Fishes Program: Look, we all know sometimes mafiosos have to whack someone and get rid of the body. Around Long Island and Manhattan, the ocean floor looks like a sculpture garden, what with all the whackees who are standing around down there in concrete shoes. So, we figure we sorta look the other way a little bit and let the wise guys do their dirty work in the Gulf. While they’re at it, they can throw a few extra tons of concrete down their as well – as their way of saying “We care about America and the riparian areas of the Gulf Coast.”17B) Beetle Bombs: This is simple: We’ve got a crap-load of dead trees around here and the Gulf has a hole to plug. We airlift a couple million beetle-kill lodgepole down to the Gulf, aim them well and let them fly at the leaking well. Trees gone, oil gone, what’s the problem?745) And, finally, our ultimate solution to pretty much everything: The Star Trek transporter room. Scotty could just beam a really big-ass rock down there, plop it on the hole and head to happy hour for some single-malt scotch. Or, another sci-fi idea: Use the force. A really accomplished Jedi master – Yoda, for one, or Qi Gong – could take, say, some leaky old North Korean sub that’s trolling the waters somewhere and just move it into the oil gusher area. If he was feeling charitable, he could first remove all the North Korean sailors and have them appear in a South Korean shopping mall, where they’d be set upon by rabid Wii users or something.There you have it. Take your pick and get ready to say “Problem solved … Thank you Summit Up!”***This just in: The 2014 Super Bowl is going to be played in …MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: Don’t tell us – Florida or California.SU: NO! In New York! It’ll be played at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey! Which is not a dome and where it could be really cold! We love it – it won’t be some weenie game played in some weenie dome. Hard to believe.Well, we’ve rambled enough today, folks. Have a wicked Wednesday …
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