Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s going to have to shoot somebody or get breast implants to keep up with the column-writing competition.
And, considering people tell us we’re the biggest boobs they know, that former option’s looking more and more likely.
Today’s confusing opening stems from some odd news in the column world. It seems that Amy Fisher and Pamela Anderson – heroes to all women, we’re sure – are soon going to be collecting paychecks for spreading the love, wisdom and jocularity just like yours truly. Fisher, for those who don’t remember, is the one who spent seven years in prison for shooting Joey Buttafuoco’s wife. Pamela Anderson, for those who don’t remember, spent a heck of a lot of money getting her lips and chest inflated, probably so she wouldn’t drown on the set of Baywatch (that, or the millions of dollars she could make on the Internet, but who are we to speculate?).
So, yes, Amy and Pammy will be penning the best of their sage wisdom on a regular basis, one for a newspaper, the other for a magazine. According to their respective editors, quoted in a couple different news sources, the Long Island Ann Landers and non-flabby Dear Abby will be writing advice columns, celebrity interviews and whatever else their pretty little heads can come up with.
Our good readers may be sensing some bitterness on this end. Give yourself a sticker and a hug. Not that what we do is rocket science, but come on: Let’s be honest. Is Pamela Anderson famous because she’s a natural wordsmith? Did Amy Fisher go to jail fighting for freedom of the press?
But, hey, we can’t complain. We did get a column out of it ourselves.
Eric called in a Scum Alert! yesterday, and we’re glad to change it over to an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! Eric’s backpack got ripped off while he was jogging (it was in his car). Hours later, the bamboozlers who horked it pitched it out of their car onto the Dam Road, where today’s heroes found it, called Eric and dropped his stuff off at work.
Eric doesn’t know who these angels are (he’s tracking them down, though), but he wanted us to pass on a “thank you, thank you, thank you for being nice.”
We’ll do better than that for them and, in addition to the standard halo-wing set, we’ll order the karmic bird handlers to have the crews stay away from their cars.
Bee stings: Do they hurt or don’t they? That was the debate here at the Corporate Suites today (if you’re wondering, our side argued that they don’t – you wimps). Weigh in yourself at email@example.com at (970) 668-0755 or just buzz on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We’re out cleaning the gun …
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